Why you need to set boundaries with your addicted adult child.

I often work with parents who are terrified to set boundaries with their addicted adult child.

What if they relapse and I don't know about it and something bad happens?
What if they go to jail and it makes their trauma worse?
What if they lose the scholarship?
What if their girlfriend breaks up with them and they spiral?
What if they think I don't love them?

They spend so much time in those worries, they forget:

What if I burn out and can't take it anymore?
What if I become so depressed that I can't take care of myself anymore (let alone help them)?
What if things get better?
What if me modeling self-care helps them realize they deserve it too?
What if I find myself again?
What if I finally feel comfortable setting boundaries?

With family dysfunction, we can rarely see the forest through the trees. The anxiety-filled shame spirals, the depression, the fear (based in reality!), the guilt, the unsolicited advice from everyone and their mother. But what therapy helps you see is the negative impact that your anxious over-focus has on your addicted adult child.

Lack of boundaries sends many messages I know you don't want to send:

I don't have faith in you.
I don't respect you enough to hold you accountable.
I will give my every last drop of sanity so you're okay (martyrdom- places the responsibility for YOUR well-being directly onto their shoulders).

What happens when my loved one (parent, partner, friend) sets boundaries with me?

I feel relieved. I know that my anger or sadness can only hurt them so much. I know that they have a well of reserves that doesn't just depend on how I show up or my behavior. Their calmness offers containment. It allows me to start taking responsibility for myself versus thinking I need others to change before I work on myself.

And that gift? That gift from a parent or loved one to someone struggling with addiction, mental illness, or other stresses is priceless.