Stress about an addicted child is killing your marriage.
I am a therapist for parents of addicted adult children. I often meet with couples or families who are divided on how to handle their addicted adult child. Should we set hard limits? Cut them off? Quit our job? Let them detox at home (not recommended for safety reasons)?
In families, decision-making when you love someone struggling with addiction can feel totally confusing. The reason for that is because our nervous system is on high alert. Stress chemicals are flooding our bodies with fear responses developed on the plains for fight, flight, freeze, or the more recently identified “tend and befriend” or “fawn” behaviors.
If you oscillate between screaming, blocking their texts, dissociation, begging, or trying to manipulate them into submission, you’re not alone. These are normal responses for a nervous system on high alert. And it’s most likely these behaviors are also spilling into your relationship with your spouse.
We try to “fix” anyone in our loved one’s path to get them to deal with things the same way we are, thinking we need to pool resources and knock the kid’s boat over so they have no option but to submit and recover.
The truth? When we have multiple different opinions in a system about what the solution could be, it can actually create unique pathways we haven’t thought of before. Yes, we don’t want the system to collapse because we’re all running around “like chickens with our heads cut off”. But what more often happens is we become codependent with everyone in the system—creating more chaos. More anger. More attempts to control. More anger. More shame. More guilt. More terror.
Therapy with me helps you take healthy responsibility for yourself, determine how you want to show up, communicate with boundaries instead of commands, and reduce anxiety. By reducing your own anxiety, the system must change. We don’t know how it will change, yet—but you stop adding to the chaos. You start seeing the facts more clearly. You stop feeling so much guilt. And when you model healthy change, the system often moves with it—your spouse and child included.
I love working with individuals, couples, and families on making these meaningful changes. If you’re interested in learning more, please reach out for a free phone consultation. I hope to hear from you.
Why you need to set boundaries with your addicted adult child.
Why you need to set boundaries with your addicted adult child
I often work with parents who are terrified to set boundaries with their addicted adult child.
What if they relapse and I don't know about it and something bad happens?
What if they go to jail and it makes their trauma worse?
What if they lose the scholarship?
What if their girlfriend breaks up with them and they spiral?
What if they think I don't love them?
They spend so much time in those worries, they forget:
What if I burn out and can't take it anymore?
What if I become so depressed that I can't take care of myself anymore (let alone help them)?
What if things get better?
What if me modeling self-care helps them realize they deserve it too?
What if I find myself again?
What if I finally feel comfortable setting boundaries?
With family dysfunction, we can rarely see the forest through the trees. The anxiety-filled shame spirals, the depression, the fear (based in reality!), the guilt, the unsolicited advice from everyone and their mother. But what therapy helps you see is the negative impact that your anxious over-focus has on your addicted adult child.
Lack of boundaries sends many messages I know you don't want to send:
I don't have faith in you.
I don't respect you enough to hold you accountable.
I will give my every last drop of sanity so you're okay (martyrdom- places the responsibility for YOUR well-being directly onto their shoulders).
What happens when my loved one (parent, partner, friend) sets boundaries with me?
I feel relieved. I know that my anger or sadness can only hurt them so much. I know that they have a well of reserves that doesn't just depend on how I show up or my behavior. Their calmness offers containment. It allows me to start taking responsibility for myself versus thinking I need others to change before I work on myself.
And that gift? That gift from a parent or loved one to someone struggling with addiction, mental illness, or other stresses is priceless.
Why Parents Struggle to Set Boundaries With an Addicted Adult Child
I want to fill you in on some of the top reasons I’ve seen parents struggle to set and hold boundaries with their addicted adult child.
Hint: It didn’t start with them.
1. Fear that setting a boundary will cause a relapse
Many parents are afraid that saying no will directly lead to using.
For example: the adult child asks to borrow the car. The parent says no. Then, the child gets a ride from friends the parent doesn’t trust.
The parent’s mind immediately goes to: “If I had just said yes, this wouldn’t be happening.”
So, the boundary starts to feel dangerous instead of healthy: The parent feels responsible, not just for the relationship, but for the outcome of the child’s choices.
This is simply not the case. We are never be responsible for another adult’s choices. (So, I joke with my clients, it’d be great if we could lock our loved ones in our basements- for their own protection…Just kidding!
Although, for codependents, that kind of sounds like paradise (dark humor! Sometimes it helps to laugh, when we want to cry.)
2. Belief that boundaries “force” bad choices
Parents often believe that setting a limit forces their child into making an alternate, worse decision.
So instead of holding the boundary, we try to manage the situation—timing, moods, access, reactions.
Unfortunately, managing someone else’s behavior creates a cascade of problems:
The adult child never learns to tolerate frustration
They may act impulsively to regain control or provoke a response
The parent’s shame becomes “evidence” that they did something wrong
The child learns (incorrectly) that the parent is responsible for how they feel
The parent never builds confidence in surviving disappointment or uncertainty
3. Emotional reactions become the deciding factor
When parents are deeply affected by their child’s anger, silence, or disappointment, boundaries become conditional.
If the child reacts strongly, the parent backs down.
If the child stays calm, the boundary feels easier to hold.
Over time, emotions—not values—run the relationship.
This keeps both people stuck: the parent stays reactive, and the adult child never has to adjust.
4. Guilt and self-blame predate the addiction
Many parents were already carrying guilt long before substance use entered the picture.
They wonder what they missed, what they did wrong, or what they should have done differently.
Because of this, boundaries don’t feel neutral.
They feel punitive. Cold. Like abandonment.
So even reasonable limits feel emotionally unbearable to hold.
5. Family patterns trained the parent to over-function
For many parents, being calm, helpful, flexible, and accommodating was how peace was kept in their own families.
They learned early to smooth things over, take responsibility, and absorb tension.
Those habits don’t disappear when a child becomes an adult. They intensify.
Setting boundaries now feels unnatural, selfish, or cruel—even when it’s exactly what’s needed.
Final words
If you’re reading this and thinking, “This sounds exactly like my family,” you’re not alone—and you’re not doing it wrong.
Learning how to set boundaries with an addicted adult child isn’t about following rules or cutting someone off. It’s about understanding your unique family dynamics, your emotional patterns, and what you can realistically hold without falling apart.
If you want support thinking this through in a grounded, non-judgmental way, I offer free 15-minute consultations for parents who want to talk about their specific situation and figure out next steps that actually fit their family.
You don’t have to have it all figured out to reach out.
You can also shoot me a message via call/text or email, if that feels easier. 267-217-3017 or ayla@aylaflemingllc.com
My calendar scheduler for a free consultation is here.
Finding Balance After Silencing Yourself
Many clients come to me worried that after years of silencing their needs, they might “overcorrect” — saying every thought in their head and potentially hurting their relationships. It’s a very common concern. Here are a few thoughts I share that can help you on your healing journey.
Feelings aren’t something to be feared.
The longer we push our emotions away or silence ourselves, the more they build up. They often show up in unhealthy patterns — like holding everything in until we explode, blaming others for our difficult feelings, or trying to influence someone else’s behavior. Even if you think you’re keeping it all inside, those feelings are still there — and they can still impact you and your relationships. Read about codependency to learn more.
You don’t have to say every thought immediately.
Learning discernment is key. Start by writing down your feelings and allowing yourself to calm emotionally before sharing them. This isn’t about silencing yourself further — it’s about being a healthy, grounded partner in relationships. If you feel like you’re about to explode, that may not be the right time to share. But that doesn’t mean you should never share; sometimes speaking up, even when it feels scary, is exactly what you need. It’s about learning balance.
Reclaiming your true desires takes support.
If you’ve spent years abandoning your own needs, working with a therapist can help you develop the skills to express yourself safely and authentically. Doing this work, you and your relationships can grow healthier — and you can finally honor your own voice.
You are worth it. Contact me today to schedule a free consultation about your specific situation.
When Loving Someone With Addiction Makes You Lose Yourself
If you’re struggling with an addicted loved one right now, I see you. It can feel impossible to stop thinking about them.
Will they be okay tonight? How are they feeling? What if I said something that triggers a relapse? Is it my fault? Are they going to make me angry? What if they die? How guilty should I feel? Am I asking for too much? Am I really as big of a jerk as they think I am?
If you’ve ever asked yourself these questions, you’re not alone. Family addiction is wildly confusing because you can’t fix it by collecting more information. It’s one of those problems that doesn’t make logical sense, and sometimes learning more becomes a way to avoid doing the harder thing—setting boundaries.
And by “harder,” I don’t mean it takes more energy. I mean it takes more effort. It’s emotionally harder because it asks us to tolerate discomfort instead of trying to control chaos.
When Boundaries Feel Impossible
This week, I had an argument with my loved one about finances. They said no to something I wanted, and I felt enraged. How dare they make a decision I thought should’ve been a team decision?
My mind started spiraling. I connected it to the larger pattern of injustice toward women. I felt ashamed that I was even close to someone who thought they could tell me what to do. I felt hopeless that society had put me in this situation. Then I felt depressed that my loved one didn’t notice—or understand—why I was so upset.
And beneath all of that, I felt ashamed that I was holding it in while feeling so much unbridled anger.
Truth be told, I grew up with family addiction. So, in order to manage my anxiety of never knowing what the tenor of the household would be, I became a Grade A People Pleaser. I became a “doormat” in a lot of my relationships just to “keep the peace.” I was exhausted, always trying to prove I was good enough. The truth was, I was used to things being hard. I didn’t realize there was an easier way—one that was still challenging and interesting, but also peaceful and life-affirming.
When You’re Doing Everything Alone
Let me give another example — your husband sleeps all day because he’s hungover. Normally, you seethe. You pick up the slack with the kids. You try to make their lives perfect and fill the role of two parents. You want to explode on him, but then you feel guilty.
You wonder if what he said—you’re the reason he uses—is really true. You think you’re defective because this dysfunction is also how your parents handled conflict. You feel immense shame and think you’ll never stop the generational cycle. You know this is “trauma bonding”. Then you feel shame again—afraid you’re going to pass these same patterns to your kids.
Then you get angry again that your partner doesn’t seem to care about healing cycles. Then back to shame—ashamed that you had a child with the wrong person and terrified you’ve ruined your kids for life.
Pause for a second.
What if you just tried functioning as one parent? He’s made a decision—or his addiction has impacted him to the point where his body needs to sleep all day. Knowing that, what are you able to do? What do you want to say that’s honest, self-respecting, and still compassionate toward the person you’ve loved?
Can you tell him calmly how you feel? Let him know that if he doesn’t wake up, you can only do the minimum, and you can’t keep everything in the household running? Can you tell him you’re feeling sad and hurt, that you still see the good dad in him, but you’re struggling to hold your temper?
Can you let him know you’re working on managing your own anxiety—but you’re unsure where that leaves the relationship? Not from a place of punishment or blame, but from honesty and patience toward someone you’ve loved deeply. This is behavior you can be proud of. And at least, doesn’t add fuel to dysfunctional fire.
The Truth About Healing in Addicted Families
Addiction is so crazy-making for families that we often become too anxious to try just one thing at a time. We feel completely overwhelmed and frustrated. But what if we just took one small step—and left room for people to surprise us?
You have to learn where bending becomes breaking.
You can say, “This doesn’t work for me.”
You can ask what they want to do if you can’t go along with their plan.
You can calmly share how you want to do it—without commanding.
You can decide what you’ll do if someone doesn’t want to meet you halfway.
You’re allowed to have needs no one else understands.
You’re allowed to not always explain yourself.
Once we remember that it’s okay to pause, breathe, and not react from a place of explosive anger—and that life will still be okay even if we can’t make people do what we want—we start to heal. Not just ourselves, but our relationships.
We can’t control whether others change. We can’t stop ourselves from getting to our breaking point. We can’t guarantee that people don’t do many, many things to harm themselves. And we can’t guarantee that a relationship will be life-long.
But we also can’t predict what might happen next if we change ourselves.
Let’s try living in the moment and leaving room for people to surprise us.
Healing starts when we remember we can love others without losing ourselves.
Your call to action
If you’re unsure how to start, contact me today for a free therapy consultation. I know how overwhelming it can feel because I’ve been through it—and I came out the other side.
You can do this—whether you decide to stay or go, and whether they decide to get sober or not.
Healing from Codependency with Bowen Theory: Finding Yourself in Relationships with Addiction
If you feel like you’ve lost yourself in a relationship with someone who struggles with addiction, you are not alone. Many women come to Ayla Fleming LLC feeling tired, guilty, or unsure of who they really are.
This is often called codependency. Using methods like Bowen Family Systems Theory, I help people see patterns in their family and relationships and guide them toward real healing.
What is Bowen Family Systems Theory?
Bowen Theory looks at families as emotional systems. It doesn’t just focus on the problem (like a partner’s drinking). It helps people see patterns like:
Being too close emotionally (fusion)
Taking on too much responsibility (over-functioning)
Letting others do too little (under-functioning)
Repeating family patterns across generations
The main tool I help clients learn is self-differentiation — staying connected to others but still having your own feelings, choices, and identity.
Why Bowen Theory Helps in Codependency and Addiction
When someone you love struggles with addiction, families often fuse together emotionally. This can look like:
One person trying to fix everything while the other stays in crisis
Feeling like your life depends on the other person’s moods or actions
Repeating patterns you grew up with
Healing doesn’t mean leaving or ignoring your loved ones. It means learning how to stand in your own identity while staying connected.
The 8 Bowen Concepts With Real-Life Examples and Challenges
1. Differentiation of Self
Before therapy: Cancelling your plans because your partner might relapse.
After therapy: Going to a friend’s event while supporting your partner without carrying their feelings.
Why is this sometimes challenging to implement without therapy?: It can feel scary or uncomfortable to prioritize your own needs for the first time. You may worry about upsetting others, feeling over-responsible for your partner’s needs, or being seen as selfish.
2. Relationship Triangles
Before: Talking to a sibling instead of your partner about a fight; a teen pulled into arguments.
After: I talk directly to my partner; parents talk directly to each other, so that the teen isn’t expected to manage adult stress.
Challenge: Stepping out of a triangle can create tension at first. Others may resist or become upset when you stop acting as the mediator.
3. Nuclear Family Emotional System
Before: One partner handles everything while the other drinks.
After: Responsibilities are shared; both practice self-care and boundaries.
Challenge: Adjusting roles can feel uncomfortable. You may face anxiety or guilt when letting others take responsibility.
4. Family Projection Process
Before: Parents worry their child will repeat family problems.
After: Parents notice their fears but let children make their own choices and recognize your child is not the family.
Challenge: Letting go of control is hard. You may feel worried, anxious, or uncertain about what will happen when you step back.
5. Multigenerational Transmission Process
Before: Patterns of over-functioning or addiction repeat in the family.
After: Awareness allows new, healthier ways of relating.
Challenge: Changing long-standing family patterns can feel confusing or uncomfortable. You may encounter resistance from others who are used to old roles.
6. Emotional Cutoff
Before: “Blocking” a parent from calling you but obsessing over them.
After: Boundaries are verbalized and followed through with consistency (not as a punishment, but follow through about how you will care for yourself if your boundaries are crossed); emotional freedom is gained.
Challenge: Establishing boundaries can create temporary guilt, sadness, confusion, or tension with family members.
7. Sibling Position
Before: Oldest child carries family burdens into adulthood.
After: Responsibilities are shared; limits are clear; stress is reduced.
Challenge: Changing your role may create pushback from siblings or parents who are used to the old pattern.
8. Societal Emotional Process
Before: Believing you must always sacrifice to be “good.”
After: Balancing responsibilities with self-care and personal goals.
Challenge: Letting go of cultural or personal expectations can feel uncomfortable or even provoke self-doubt or negativity from family.
How Anxiety Spreads Beyond the Family
Addiction and codependency affect more than just the family:
Children: May take on adult responsibilities too early.
Friends: Can feel drained or caught in their friends’ crises.
Coworkers: Over-functioning or under-functioning to cover for colleagues can spread stress.
Extended Family: Grandparents, siblings, or cousins may take sides or try to rescue.
Community/Support Groups: Anxiety in the system can affect faith or recovery groups, recreating old roles.
As you can see, anywhere where there are groups of people, they can benefit from learning about Bowen Theory.
Healed Examples of Bowen Concepts
Saying “no” without guilt
Feeling calm even when a partner struggles
Breaking family patterns for your children
Moving from constant anxiety to grounded, steady presence
Shifting from reactive roles to authentic connection
Healing means developing self-differentiation, boundaries, and groundedness, so relationships are about connection, not fusion.
Individual, Couples, or Family Therapy
You don’t need everyone in therapy for change to start. Even one person can begin to shift the system.
Why one person helps: Their growth changes how others interact. Less fusion and more clarity spreads naturally.
Couples or family therapy: Roles are shared more fairly. Everyone learns to manage anxiety and stress. The whole system can change in a healthier way.
Research Background
Bowen first worked with families of people with schizophrenia. Families who became more differentiated helped the patient improve, even though the diagnosis remained.
This approach also works for families affected by addiction or trauma.
Bowen therapy can be an alternative or addition to AA, Al-Anon, CoDA, SMART Recovery, CRAFT, or trauma therapy. It strengthens your self while supporting relationships.
Why Work With Ayla Fleming, LLC
As a Family and Relationships Therapist, I help women reclaim their sense of self:
Focus on your growth, not just the addicted partner
Build self-differentiation without tying it to a role or identity
Navigate the whole system — family, friends, colleagues — with healthy boundaries
Take the Next Step
If this framework sounds useful to you, please don't wait. Applying these skills can make a huge difference in reducing codependency, stress levels, and capacity for change in your family. It could even safe lives. Contact me for a free consultation to discuss your particular situation. I hope to hear from you soon.
Warmly,
-Ayla
Out-of-Network (OON) Therapy in Philadelphia: Why It Might Be Right for You
If you’re searching for therapy, you may have come across the term “out-of-network” (OON) therapist. Simply put, an OON therapist doesn’t bill insurance directly—but that doesn’t mean your insurance can’t help. Many plans include OON benefits, so you may be able to submit receipts and get partial reimbursement. You can check your benefits using Mentaya, your insurance portal, the number on the back of your card, or by reaching out to me directly. I’m happy to help you navigate it.
OON therapy isn’t just about insurance—it’s about results, focus, and growth. Here’s why it can be the best choice:
Highly specialized, focused care: OON therapists often have unique skills or specialties that match your specific goals. Therapy can be shorter, more targeted, and more effective because every session is designed to meet your needs.
Individual attention and structure: With smaller caseloads, OON therapists provide personalized guidance, structured strategies, and step-by-step support. You’re not just another appointment on a long schedule—you get focused, organized care.
Action-oriented mindset: OON therapists focus on mindset, strategy, and execution. We don’t just talk about problems—we help you take real steps toward change and measurable results.
Financial commitment fuels progress: When you invest in yourself, you’re more motivated to show up, engage fully, and tackle challenging goals. Therapy is hard work, and personal investment makes it easier to stick with it and grow.
Parallel process: A therapist who models healthy behavior and sets strong boundaries demonstrates how change actually happens. OON practices often allow therapists to care for themselves and be fully present for you.
Growth is naturally uncomfortable: Real change pushes you outside your comfort zone. A little discomfort signals progress, and OON therapy encourages you to step into growth with confidence.
Addressing the real issues: Insurance rules sometimes limit what in-network therapists can focus on. OON therapy gives space to tackle the topics that matter most—like money, family dynamics, and life triggers—without constraint.
High-deductible or FSA plans: Even if your insurance could technically cover in-network therapy, high deductibles or limited benefits often mean you’ll pay out-of-pocket anyway. Paying for specialized care directly is a smart investment in yourself.
OON therapy is particularly valuable for upwardly mobile individuals, professionals, and anyone seeking a focused, strategic, and results-driven approach to personal growth and relationships.
If you want therapy that’s personalized, effective, and transformative, it’s time to consider OON care. At Ayla Fleming LLC in Philadelphia, my goal is to help clients build healthier relationships, stronger boundaries, and lasting change—whether or not insurance is involved. Contact me today to schedule a free, 15 minute call to see if we are a good fit.