There are times when we are unsure if our partner will ever understand us. Your partner may be struggling with addiction, trauma, or mental health concerns. They may have unresolved childhood trauma they are repeating with you or may need help but have refused. They may struggle with avoidance or denial. You may have been complacent for a while, thinking you could “fix” them, but it’s becoming clearer that things aren’t going to change. They may have volatile or unpredictable outbursts, and you may be unsure when they’ll hit “rock bottom” or when it’s time to stay or go.
This can be incredibly painful if you are already married or have invested a significant amount of time. You may also feel frustrated because it seems you’re choosing the same type of partner repeatedly, or your relationship is starting to resemble patterns you saw in your parents.
Whether it’s substance misuse, anger issues, or avoidance, it can drain your nervous system so much that it feels too overwhelming to work on the relationship because you’re constantly playing catch-up.
Especially for high-achieving women, we may be used to doing it all ourselves. It can also be embarrassing to feel like a broken record, rehashing concerns and incidents time and time again. Loved ones might wonder why you don’t just break up, or say they don’t have the bandwidth for the drama. Worse, they might insist your partner is a good person and you just need to remain patient (read: punching bag).
As a high-achieving woman, you may recognize that you don’t need a partner per se, but you wish you could find one who matches your well-being and ambition. You may feel you’ve hit a glass ceiling to success and don’t know how to let go of relationships that are harming you.
You might have married into a family quite different from your own, financially or emotionally. There may be more or less involvement in family affairs, or unsolicited advice. You may struggle to set boundaries in this new setting or wish for more support. This does not mean there is anything wrong with you—it may simply be a mismatch for the skills you previously learned. Learning skills to cope, get your needs met, and sustain relationships despite differences is something we can explore in therapy.
Once we partner with someone and give them our trust, it can feel completely overwhelming when that trust or respect is broken. This can feel traumatic. You may spend a lot of time at work or over-use substances to avoid the situation. These distractions can cause you to linger too long in unhealthy relationships; before you know it, significant time has passed and it feels like you have no other choice. Depression and even suicidal thoughts can set in.
You may feel pressure to stay because “they’re not responsible enough to care for the kids, or themself, without me.” In-laws may suggest having a child to “fix” the relationship or “get them to stop using.” It can be disorienting when you realize you can’t control another adult’s actions—or can you? The fear that your loved one has changed and that you can’t control the outcome can lead to overcompensation, snooping, or monitoring behaviors, like counting beer bottles, checking the garbage, or looking at their phone. You might not even recognize yourself anymore.
Communication may be non-existent or volatile. You may have tried begging, pleading, yelling, crying, manipulating, or talking to their friends, mom, or doctor.
If any of this feels familiar, please reach out so we can discuss your situation. I have personally experienced many of these challenges and also have clinical training and expertise. You don’t have to navigate this alone. I can help you create a plan, set boundaries from a place of peace and love rather than control, and ensure you’ll be okay regardless of what your partner does. I will help each person learn to take responsibility for themselves and their role in the relationship. I would be honored to work with you, and/or with you and your partner. Contact me today.
