Why Parents Struggle to Set Boundaries With an Addicted Adult Child
I want to fill you in on some of the top reasons I’ve seen parents struggle to set and hold boundaries with their addicted adult child.
Hint: It didn’t start with them.
1. Fear that setting a boundary will cause a relapse
Many parents are afraid that saying no will directly lead to using.
For example: the adult child asks to borrow the car. The parent says no. Then, the child gets a ride from friends the parent doesn’t trust.
The parent’s mind immediately goes to: “If I had just said yes, this wouldn’t be happening.”
So, the boundary starts to feel dangerous instead of healthy: The parent feels responsible, not just for the relationship, but for the outcome of the child’s choices.
This is simply not the case. We are never be responsible for another adult’s choices. (So, I joke with my clients, it’d be great if we could lock our loved ones in our basements- for their own protection…Just kidding!
Although, for codependents, that kind of sounds like paradise (dark humor! Sometimes it helps to laugh, when we want to cry.)
2. Belief that boundaries “force” bad choices
Parents often believe that setting a limit forces their child into making an alternate, worse decision.
So instead of holding the boundary, we try to manage the situation—timing, moods, access, reactions.
Unfortunately, managing someone else’s behavior creates a cascade of problems:
The adult child never learns to tolerate frustration
They may act impulsively to regain control or provoke a response
The parent’s shame becomes “evidence” that they did something wrong
The child learns (incorrectly) that the parent is responsible for how they feel
The parent never builds confidence in surviving disappointment or uncertainty
3. Emotional reactions become the deciding factor
When parents are deeply affected by their child’s anger, silence, or disappointment, boundaries become conditional.
If the child reacts strongly, the parent backs down.
If the child stays calm, the boundary feels easier to hold.
Over time, emotions—not values—run the relationship.
This keeps both people stuck: the parent stays reactive, and the adult child never has to adjust.
4. Guilt and self-blame predate the addiction
Many parents were already carrying guilt long before substance use entered the picture.
They wonder what they missed, what they did wrong, or what they should have done differently.
Because of this, boundaries don’t feel neutral.
They feel punitive. Cold. Like abandonment.
So even reasonable limits feel emotionally unbearable to hold.
5. Family patterns trained the parent to over-function
For many parents, being calm, helpful, flexible, and accommodating was how peace was kept in their own families.
They learned early to smooth things over, take responsibility, and absorb tension.
Those habits don’t disappear when a child becomes an adult. They intensify.
Setting boundaries now feels unnatural, selfish, or cruel—even when it’s exactly what’s needed.
Final words
If you’re reading this and thinking, “This sounds exactly like my family,” you’re not alone—and you’re not doing it wrong.
Learning how to set boundaries with an addicted adult child isn’t about following rules or cutting someone off. It’s about understanding your unique family dynamics, your emotional patterns, and what you can realistically hold without falling apart.
If you want support thinking this through in a grounded, non-judgmental way, I offer free 15-minute consultations for parents who want to talk about their specific situation and figure out next steps that actually fit their family.
You don’t have to have it all figured out to reach out.
You can also shoot me a message via call/text or email, if that feels easier. 267-217-3017 or ayla@aylaflemingllc.com
My calendar scheduler for a free consultation is here.