Stress about an addicted child is killing your marriage.

I am a therapist for parents of addicted adult children. I often meet with couples or families who are divided on how to handle their addicted adult child. Should we set hard limits? Cut them off? Quit our job? Let them detox at home (not recommended for safety reasons)?

In families, decision-making when you love someone struggling with addiction can feel totally confusing. The reason for that is because our nervous system is on high alert. Stress chemicals are flooding our bodies with fear responses developed on the plains for fight, flight, freeze, or the more recently identified “tend and befriend” or “fawn” behaviors.

If you oscillate between screaming, blocking their texts, dissociation, begging, or trying to manipulate them into submission, you’re not alone. These are normal responses for a nervous system on high alert. And it’s most likely these behaviors are also spilling into your relationship with your spouse.

We try to “fix” anyone in our loved one’s path to get them to deal with things the same way we are, thinking we need to pool resources and knock the kid’s boat over so they have no option but to submit and recover.

The truth? When we have multiple different opinions in a system about what the solution could be, it can actually create unique pathways we haven’t thought of before. Yes, we don’t want the system to collapse because we’re all running around “like chickens with our heads cut off”. But what more often happens is we become codependent with everyone in the system—creating more chaos. More anger. More attempts to control. More anger. More shame. More guilt. More terror.

Therapy with me helps you take healthy responsibility for yourself, determine how you want to show up, communicate with boundaries instead of commands, and reduce anxiety. By reducing your own anxiety, the system must change. We don’t know how it will change, yet—but you stop adding to the chaos. You start seeing the facts more clearly. You stop feeling so much guilt. And when you model healthy change, the system often moves with it—your spouse and child included.

I love working with individuals, couples, and families on making these meaningful changes. If you’re interested in learning more, please reach out for a free phone consultation. I hope to hear from you.