More about me

I am no stranger to growing up in a family where some members over-used alcohol and other substances. As is common, there was a long history of generational trauma. The coping skill I happened to pick up was high achievement and people-pleasing. In turn, these behaviors primed me to engage in a string of dysfunctional relationships where, despite my discomfort, I tolerated others’ misuse of substances.

My unconscious mindset was that if I was ever to be “okay” and worthy, I needed to anticipate and meet everyone else's needs before my own, work the hardest, and “help” or “fix” all of my romantic partners’ problems. Carrying out these functions led to struggling with anxiety, depression, and distrust in virtually all of my relationships.

No matter how much money or opportunities I had, I never felt good enough to fully enjoy or feel like I deserved my success. I felt that I was fundamentally “bad”. I repeated patterns in my relationships that I had seen growing up such as unkind communication, irritability, anger outbursts, and lack of boundaries, then, would abruptly cut people out of my life, after I couldn’t take any more of the codependency and stress.

Only later did I realize the importance of assessing who I kept close to me, managing my energy, prioritizing self care, holding my boundaries (not just telling people I expected them to respect them, but actually removing myself from unhealthy situations), avoiding trying to “fix” other peoples’ problems for them, and letting others feel the natural consequences of their actions.

Instead, I would cycle through giving and giving, until I either exploded, or left situations, because I didn’t know I could calmly speak my mind or end a relationship in a healthy manner. In addition, I didn’t know how to cope with the anxiety that arose when I wanted something different than the people I loved. I felt desperately broken. I would give until I didn’t recognize myself anymore. And then the shame would kick in, and the cycle repeated.

In my early years, I also over-used substances to cope with the perceived “danger” of wanting more than the people closest to me could give me. I bristled at unsolicited advice and would even go into a dissociated state of panic, because I “right back in” relationship dynamics that were physically or emotionally unsafe (where I was gaslit, or my feelings were minimized due to my loved ones’ substance over-use or mental instability). Mind you, all the players in this story were high-achieving, successful people who “slipped through the cracks” of treatment because external achievements and finances served as a mask.

It was not until many years of training in family dynamics and addictive relationships, that I learned these were common patterns it was possible to break.

It is a daily practice, but I now know that I don’t need to be perfect to be deserving or ‘enough’, and I can be much more helpful and peaceful if I let go of trying to “fix” others or say things “perfectly” so others will like me.

If any of this resonates with you, please contact me today so you can transform your past from a hinderance to your superpower, but also, something that no longer solely defines you.