You’re Not Causing Family Addiction; But You Might Be Keeping it Going

When I think about family addiction, I don’t just think about how to get our loved ones sober; I think about what patterns of family behavior support the addicted one, staying addicted!

This isn’t to say I’m blaming the family for keeping the “addict” sick. But I’m wondering what stresses the family out so much that they’ve reduced their loved one to an “addict.”

Over-identifying someone as just one “role” can encourage anyone to stay stuck in that role.

On the other hand, knowing what we’re dealing with (“an addict”) reduces family members’ anxiety.

I used to pride myself on being “kind, calm, and peaceful.” The truth? I was overcompensating for an extremely chaotic family system.

When we’re kids and people tell us we’re an “old soul,” “a rebel,” or “never around,” categorizing us as extremes isn’t usually because it’s 100% true—it means the family can’t tolerate people being multifaceted. The “strong personality” is sometimes hiding a greater issue that is being distracted from by calling attention to someone’s singularity. Rigid “roles” make things easier to understand and cope with, a way to make sense of the world, not feel so hurt by others, etc.—but harder to do things differently or see the nuances.

For example, your colleague is loud and brash. Everyone identifies her as “too much.” It’s easy to say that and makes us all feel superior and more relaxed when we avoid her. But what is she trying to make us all see? Maybe her delivery is abrasive, but isn’t she right about some of the things she’s saying? She’s definitely angry—but doesn’t she have some points? Rarely is someone 100% wrong.

What if you have a super easy-going family member? She always does what everyone else wants to do. She even admits she’s happy to please. But does she ever say “no”? Is she able to? And does she feel comfortable saying no?

Wouldn’t you be frustrated if she acted in a way that surprised you—even say she’s not “acting like herself”?

The real question I have for you is, what’s wrong with her not acting like herself? Maybe she wants to change.

Feeling uncomfortable with change is precisely the reason why families stay stuck. Change isn’t always bad—especially if there is addiction at play.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to start experimenting with roles in your family:

• Do you notice any patterns in your family that are extremes?

• Do you let people act differently, or does it make you feel uncomfortable?

• Are there ways that you could experiment with doing things differently? In what ways would you like to show up differently today?

Are there any things you could try behaviorally that would allow others space to show up differently and not expect them to be a certain way so much?

Here are some ways this has showed up for me:

• I noticed there were people in my family who were labeled as “too much”, “dramatic”, or “selfish”. Instead of feeling frustrated that these people did this, I asked other family members to tell me more about why the family thought that way. It was really interesting what they told me because I realized they had been gossiped about so much that I never heard their side. I started realizing there are two sides to a story—even our family stories that have been repeated (even for generations!).

• I started holding boundaries with family. Not just saying them and assuming they’d trample them, but saying no and ending the conversation—following through consistently with what I said I was going to do. People didn’t like it, but they adjusted somehow. I learned that without being consistent and doing things differently, things will never change.

• If I had an addicted loved one, I stopped expecting they’d certainly lie, manipulate, or steal—I still tread lightly and prioritized safety, but I also I started telling them that I had faith they’d figure things out for themselves, and that I loved them. I held boundaries, but I spoke about them differently. I stopped gossiping about them to other family and reinforcing old roles. This reduced a bit of pressure so they could perhaps not feel so pushed into the old roles.

I like to talk to my clients about them making changes as doing “experiments.” It takes the pressure off to do things perfectly the first time. The fact is, we have no idea what’ll happen to the family system when we change.

With families where there’s addiction, it can be terrifying to try something different. Predictability has kept us safe—but shaking things up can also be the reason that helps us step out of old dynamics and actually get better.

If you’d like to start doing some experiments of your own, contact me today for a free therapy consultation. Doing this work may be some of the most meaningful experiences of our lives, especially if we feel caught in the chaos and stress of our addicted or dysfunctional family systems. I hope to hear from you! Reach out

How Family Systems Therapy Can Help You

Many people wonder what Family Systems Therapy (also called “Bowen Family Systems Theory Therapy”) is and how it actually works. In this article, I’ll break down a few of the main concepts, how it may be able to help you, and dispel some popular myths.

But first: Family Systems Therapy can be especially helpful for people who feel like they’ve lost themselves in relationships, don’t know how to stay connected to loved ones without overfunctioning, struggle to set boundaries without guilt, or feel stuck repeating generational patterns.

Here we go:

Family Systems Theory is a body of research initially founded by Murray Bowen. He originally studied the family dynamics of those impacted by a loved one’s schizophrenia. What he found was that the family was often just as “sick” as the identified client—but in their own way.

As families managed the stress, fear, anxiety, and chronic worry of having a loved one struggling with this illness, he noticed consistent patterns they adopted to cope with that anxiety. He later expanded this work to families impacted by addiction as well. There is still significant research and teaching being done today (including at the Center for Bowen Theory in Washington, DC and Rutgers University, where I received my postgraduate training—an excellent program, in my opinion)!

Here is a quick description of the main 8 concepts and how they apply to my work with clients. This is how I understand them in a practical sense—it’s not exhaustive, and it doesn’t cover the full depth, history, or nuance of each concept:

Triangles – This describes what happens when tension between two people gets pulled into a third person to stabilize the anxiety. In families impacted by addiction or dysfunction, this is constant (e.g., a child being pulled into parental conflict, or a partner becoming the “mediator”). In therapy, we work on helping individuals step out of triangles and tolerate the discomfort of more direct, adult-to-adult relationships.

Differentiation of Self – This is the ability to stay grounded in your own thoughts, feelings, and values while staying connected to others. Many people I work with feel like they “lose themselves” in relationships. Therapy helps build a stronger sense of self so you can stay connected without self-abandoning.

Nuclear Family Emotional System – This refers to the patterns that develop in immediate families to manage anxiety (conflict, dysfunction in a spouse, overfocus on a child, or emotional distance). In addiction-impacted families, these patterns can become extreme. Therapy helps identify and shift these patterns so they’re not unconsciously repeated.

Family Projection Process – This is how parents pass their anxiety onto a child, often unintentionally. For example, a parent may overfocus on one child’s behavior or struggles. In therapy, we help clients understand what was projected onto them—and how to separate from it.

Multigenerational Transmission Process – Patterns of anxiety, roles, and ways of relating get passed down through generations. This is where “generational cycles” come in. Therapy helps you see the bigger picture so you can make different choices, rather than repeating what you inherited.

Emotional Cutoff – This is when people manage unresolved family issues by distancing or cutting off emotionally (or physically). While it can feel like relief, it often doesn’t resolve the underlying attachment. Therapy helps people reconnect in a more thoughtful, boundaried way—or understand their distance with more clarity and intention.

Sibling Position – Your role in the sibling system can influence how you show up in relationships (e.g., overfunctioning oldest, underfunctioning youngest, etc.). In dysfunctional families, these roles can become rigid. Therapy helps loosen those identities so you’re not stuck in a role that no longer serves you.

Societal Emotional Process – This looks at how broader societal anxiety impacts families (stress, instability, cultural pressures). When anxiety is high in the system, symptoms tend to increase. Therapy helps individuals stay grounded even when the larger system feels chaotic.

If you’d like to learn more about how this applies to your specific situation, feel free to reach out for a free consultation.

Also, let’s discuss a few common myths about Family Systems / Bowen Theory:

“It blames the family.”
It doesn’t. This work isn’t about blaming—it’s about understanding patterns. Most families are doing the best they can under chronic stress and anxiety.

“The goal is to cut people off.”
No. In fact, the goal is the opposite—learning how to stay in relationship without losing yourself. Or, if you decide to distance from someone (spend less time with them) or even end the relationship, how to do that from a grounded, self-differentiated place, rather than a reactive place. When we make decisions from a reactive place, we’re more likely to have guilt, conflicted emotions, or carry exhausting resentment later.

“If I just set better boundaries, everything will be fixed.”
Boundaries matter, but without working on your internal reactivity and patterns, they often don’t stick or come out rigid, reactive, or guilt-filled.

“This only applies to extreme families.”
These patterns exist on a spectrum. You don’t need a “severely dysfunctional” family for this to apply—most people can see themselves somewhere in these dynamics.

“Insight alone is enough.”
Understanding your family is helpful, but change comes from practicing new ways of relating—especially when anxiety gets triggered.

Most people can identify with at least some aspects of Bowen Theory. At the same time, many clients feel truly “seen” for the first time when they begin this work.

If you’re interested in learning more, feel free to reach out for a no-pressure, free 15-minute phone consultation. We can talk through your specific situation, and if it feels like a good fit, schedule your first therapy appointment. I hope to hear from you soon!

Why Spirituality is So Important in Codependency Recovery

I’m Going to Say Something Polarizing

I’m going to say something polarizing here: I never liked community support groups like Al-Anon, CoDA, or ACoA. Why? They required that I pick a “higher power” outside of myself.

When I was a kid struggling with my loved one’s addiction, I used to appeal to God to fix things. Unfortunately, I spoke to God all the time. He never answered. Instead, I developed coping skills such as enabling, people-pleasing, peacemaking, being a “joker”, and OCD.

Later in life, I realized I was experiencing PTSD, but I just kept trying to “fix myself” so I could remain closely connected to my addicted loved one. I figured this was my problem. I just needed to find the “right” solution.

What I Didn’t Realize

The truth? I needed to stop obsessively trying to “fix” myself and everyone else. I needed to figure out what my body had been screaming to tell me for years.

I was experiencing chronic pain, gut issues, depression, anxiety, and the whole range of symptoms that come from constantly looking for “the answer” outside of myself.

I was basically obsessed with optimizing my own functioning so I could do my self-care perfectly, show up perfectly for my addicted loved ones, and eventually everything would be okay—because my loved one would get sober, and I would be 100% healthy, high-functioning, and successful in my career.

What I Learned Instead

What I learned was very different than that.

Eventually, after a few different personal emotional and physical crises (if we work together and it seems like it may be helpful to you, I’m happy to share), I realized that the answers were in my body all along. The answer wasn’t in “letting go and let God.” First, I needed to listen to my body.

I am not saying that 12-step group or structured religion won’t be right for you (in fact, most of my clients subscribe deeply to a religion, and it’s meaningful and healthy for them). Whether religion or 12-step groups are “right” or “wrong” way of healing isn’t the question here.

But in my personal experience, they became another way to try to do things perfectly so that I’d get the “right” outcome.

The unfortunate truth? There is no “right outcome” with family addiction—or life. It is a continuous learning, healing, and sometimes painful journey. But luckily, how we choose to handle these situations can lead us to a much wiser and healthier state of being.

Redefining “God”

The “God” I ended up defining first was myself. I actually had a lot of power. I stopped outsourcing all the responsibility of healing and setting boundaries to God. This became my responsibility.

The part that I do have to let go of is the outcome.

But I needed to start listening to what my body was telling me: waking up in the middle of the night worried about what my loved one was doing, chronic pain issues, constant anxiety.

Many of my helper colleagues and clients over the years have developed serious health issues and just worked harder. They attended the doctor appointments and did the “right” self care tasks, but they didn’t actually heal the trigger that caused the problem to begin with (over-functioning).

They didn’t realize that their body was hurting and that the solution was likely that they needed to pour into themselves just as much as they were pouring into their addicted loved ones.

Triangulation

The concept of triangulation means bringing in a third party to manage anxiety in a relationship instead of addressing what’s happening directly.

I was doing that with God.

Instead of sitting with my own fear, grief, and limits, I was trying to hand it off—hoping something outside of me would fix it or take the discomfort away. But that kept me disconnected from what I actually needed to pay attention to: my own symptoms, my own limits, and my own emotional experience.

Forms of Spirituality That Can Be Helpful

Some forms of spirituality can actually help us get closer to ourselves instead of further away.

• Reflective practices like less prescriptive religious values, reflection about our own morals/ethics, spirituality, tarot, art, or journaling can help us understand our feelings, desires, fears, and goals—rather than focusing solely on our loved one. They don’t give us direct answers, but encourage us to define those answers for ourselves in the ambiguity of the form.

• Setting boundaries that are aligned with our physical and mental health allows us to show up more consistently and sustainably, instead of burning out or reacting impulsively.

• Allowing others to be on their own spiritual journey means we stop trying to control their path and instead focus on how we want to show up in the relationship.

• Understanding projection helps us recognize when we’re placing our fears or hopes onto others instead of taking responsibility for our own internal experience.

• Finding meaning in religion, spirituality, or God can be helpful if it genuinely brings clarity and grounding—not if it’s a way of avoiding responsibility for ourselves.

• Practices like Buddhism emphasize letting go of outcomes, tolerating uncertainty, and observing our thoughts and emotions without becoming consumed by them.

Ending

There is no perfect way to do this. There is no formula that guarantees your loved one will recover or that you’ll never feel pain again.

But there is a way to become more grounded, more aware, and more connected to yourself.

For me, that didn’t come from trying to do everything perfectly or handing things over to a higher power.

It came from listening to my body, understanding my limits, and taking responsibility for how I show up.

And that changed everything.

If you’re interested to do this work for yourself, please reach out to schedule a free phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit.

No pressure, no obligation. I hope to hear from you soon!

Overcoming Guilt About Setting Boundaries with Addicted Adult Children

Are You Struggling with Boundaries as a Parent of an Addicted Adult Child?

If you’re a parent of an addicted adult child, odds are you’re here because you’re struggling with setting boundaries.

You may worry that setting boundaries is a way to abandon your adult child. You may be saying: “They’re growing up, and their needs are constantly changing!” You probably thought you’d be best friends with them by now. “They’re struggling with addiction—don’t they need me more than ever? Don’t parents know their children better than anyone else on the planet?!”

If you’re going through this, I totally understand. I grew up with family addiction as well.

There’s the fear, too: What if they relapse and really harm themselves this time? What if they go to jail and that experience creates more trauma? What if they have a run-in with the wrong crowd and are “just one bad decision away from something they can never come back from”? And, what if I’m the only one who can save them?

What Is a Boundary?

A boundary is a limit that helps maintain our relationship with someone. Boundaries help keep people in our life, not keep them out of it. If you want to develop a stronger relationship with someone, set a boundary.

For us, a boundary helps us avoid getting so burnt out that we give up on them.

For them, it shows them that we respect them enough—and have enough optimism in their abilities—that we think we can continue the relationship in this more honest way.

When we don’t hold or set any boundaries with someone, we indirectly send the message that we think they’re hopeless or incapable of functioning in a healthier way. We actually add to the drama, too, because being boundary less is absolutely exhausting (and sometimes infuriating).

Boundaries Protect Our Energy

Reflecting on your boundaries also helps you (and them) be more realistic about your limits, so they stop expecting things from you that you’re not actually capable of giving:

• I can’t stay up all night and answer your phone call—I have to work to make money.

• I can’t give you a million dollars for your next treatment program—I just don’t have it.

• I can’t let you live with me all throughout my retirement—I’m going to deeply resent you, and then how can I help you?

Boundaries help protect our energy so that we can be there for them when they actually need it. Not to help de-escalate them when they get into the 15th argument this week about their partner, but when they’re ready to seek treatment. When they need you to come visit them at the psychiatric inpatient this weekend because they had a psychotic break. When you need to get them another phone so you can stay in contact with them if they’re living on the street.

So you have the bandwidth to shoot them a daily text saying you love them and have faith in them (and actually doing your own spiritual practices daily so you can truly hold hope).

Choosing Where to Put Your Energy

We can put our energy into putting out fires, adding to the drama, or creating more chaos (guilting, shaming, yelling, begging, staying up all night wondering where they are until we are so overwhelmed that we have to cut off contact) or we can put it into creating stable, predictable, lasting, responsive (when they really need it), hopeful support.

Addiction often destroys all our relationships with our loved ones. It’s a disease. Often, the family is as sick as the person taking etc substance. We become addicted to fixing.

Many forms of treatment say to “let them hit rock bottom” by cutting off all contact with supports. Many clients who come to me have tried that before, and it was far too painful or made things worse. I know that parents are some of the most motivated supports of their children. But you can’t do this alone. And you can’t do it if you’re trying to pour from already drained cup.

Ready to Do the Work?

If you are ready to do the work—set boundaries, hold them, and figure out how you can be the healthiest you can so you’re consistently there to offer help when they’re truly ready—and handle the anxiety and stress of making the transition (it’s not easy, but for many parents, it’s so worth it), contact me today. Both you and your child are so worth this. Let me help you get off the hamster wheel today.

What it Means to be a “Sacred Ancestor”

Most people don’t grow up thinking,
“I’m going to be the one who breaks this.”

They grow up surviving.

Adapting.
Reading the room.
Managing other people’s emotions.
Trying to keep the peace.
Trying to make sense of things that never quite made sense.

You might have been the one who noticed things early on.
The one who felt too much.
The one who couldn’t fully go along with the dysfunction—even if you tried.

And maybe for a long time, that felt like the problem.

Like you were the difficult one.
The sensitive one.
The one who overreacts.

But what if that awareness…
that discomfort…
that inability to fully numb out or play along…

is actually the beginning of something else?

Becoming the sacred ancestor isn’t about being perfect.

It’s not about cutting everyone off.
It’s not about healing everything overnight.
It’s not about becoming someone your family suddenly understands.

It’s much quieter than that.

It’s the moment you start telling yourself the truth.
Even when it’s uncomfortable.
Even when no one else agrees.

It’s the moment you notice,
“I’m abandoning myself here,”
and instead of pushing that feeling away…
you stay with it.

It’s choosing to pause before reacting the way you always have.
It’s setting a boundary and feeling the guilt—but not immediately undoing it.
It’s letting people be disappointed in you
without rushing in to fix it.

This is the work most people in your family system never got the chance to do.

Not because they didn’t want to.
But because they couldn’t. (trauma, war, illness, stress…)

The system didn’t allow it.
The anxiety was too high.
The patterns were too ingrained.

And so things got passed down instead.

Silence.
Reactivity.
Addiction.
Overfunctioning.
Disconnection.

Until… someone starts to notice, and show up differently.

That’s the part people don’t talk about.

Being the one who sees it doesn’t feel empowering at first.

It feels lonely.
It feels confusing.
It feels like you’re standing in between two worlds—
the one you came from,
and the one you’re trying to create.

You might question yourself constantly.
Wonder if you’re being too harsh.
Too sensitive.
Too selfish.

You might even wish, at times,
that you could just go back to not seeing it.

But you can’t.

And that’s not a flaw.

That’s the shift.

You stop managing everyone else’s emotions.
You stop abandoning yourself to maintain connection.
You stop confusing chaos with love.

And slowly, something else starts to take shape.

A different kind of steadiness.
A different kind of clarity.
A different kind of relationship with yourself.
Others may change as well (although we can’t guarantee, or predict what’ll happen)

You may never get recognition for this.

Or you might.

Your family might not understand it.
They might resist it.
They might even double down on the roles they’ve always played.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not healing.

For you.
For future generations.

Because this kind of change doesn’t just move outward—
it moves forward.

Into your relationships.
Your choices.
Your children, if you have them.
Or simply the way you exist in the world.

You become someone who can feel without collapsing.
Care without overfunctioning.
Stay connected without disappearing.

And that’s not small.

So if you’re reading this
and something in you feels seen—
even just a little—

you’re already in it.

You’re already doing the thing that changes everything.

Even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.

I meet with clients with whom this topic resonates with them. If you’re interested to learn more, contact me for a free consultation to learn more. Sometimes it helps to have extra support when you’re doing this work.

Why Your Partner Always Needs Space (Companion Article to ‘Super Traits’)

One of the most common concerns people bring into therapy is this:

“My partner shuts down when we fight.”

Maybe they leave the room during an argument.
Maybe they claim they need time to think.
Maybe they get quiet when we start problem solving.

To the partner who wants to talk things through immediately, this can feel incredibly painful.
It can feel like withdrawal, they don’t care, or even they don’t really love you.

However, sometimes what looks like “pulling away” is actually someone trying to regulate themselves so the situation doesn’t escalate.

For some people, creating space during stress isn’t about avoidance; it’s about staying grounded.

Understanding this difference can change the way couples interpret each other’s behavior—and it can open the door to much healthier communication, connection, relationship satisfaction, and love.

According to Gottman (an evidence based couples therapy niche), the “distancer-pursuer” dynamic is one of the most common dynamics in long-term relationships. But, it doesn’t mean that we don’t feel CRAZY during an argument!

When Space Gets Misunderstood

In many relationships, partners regulate their emotions differently.

When stress rises, one person naturally moves closer. They want to talk, process, and resolve the issue right away. Talking helps them calm down.

The other partner often prefers to slow things down. They may need time to think, settle their emotions, and organize their thoughts before engaging in a difficult conversation.

Neither response is wrong.

They’re different ways people manage emotional intensity;

But when these styles collide, it can create an incredibly frustrating push–pull dynamic.

One partner thinks:

“Why are you avoiding this?”

The other partner thinks:

“Why are you escalating this?”

Both people may care deeply about the relationship, but they’re trying to regulate stress in opposite ways.

The Quiet Strength of People Who Need Space

People who naturally create space during conflict often bring important strengths into relationships. (hint: these are probably the very things that initially drew you to your partner!)

They tend to:

• slow down escalating arguments
• think before reacting
• avoid saying things they’ll regret
• regulate emotions internally
• bring perspective when situations become emotionally charged

In many ways, these individuals are trying to protect the relationship from unnecessary damage by pausing before responding.

BUT! The challenge is that partners may interpret this pause as emotional distance rather than emotional regulation.

Learning to understand this difference can dramatically shift the dynamic between two people.

When Space Is Healthy—And When It Isn’t

Needing space during conflict can be healthy when it’s used intentionally.

Healthy space might look like:

• saying “I need a little time to think about this”
• returning to the conversation after we’re not feeling so overwhelmed/triggered
• reflecting before responding
• taking responsibility for re-engaging later

However, space becomes problematic when it turns into chronic avoidance (you never return to do the ‘repair’ work, so problems never get solved), stonewalling, or emotional disconnection.

The goal in long-term, healthy relationships isn’t constant closeness or constant distance.

The goal is flexibility—the ability to move between connection and space depending on what the moment requires.

Bowen Family Systems Theory suggests that all healthy relationships have a balance of self-differentiation (respect for the individual) and togetherness (shared preferences). That’s the key word: Balance.

How Therapy Helps Couples Understand This Pattern

Many relationship conflicts aren’t even about the issue being discussed!;

They’re about how each person handles emotional stress and conflict.

I specialize in Bowen Family Systems Theory, an approach that helps people understand the emotional patterns that develop in families and relationships.

This work focuses on helping people:

• understand their own emotional responses during stress
• recognize how relationship patterns develop over time
• strengthen their sense of self while staying connected to others
• communicate differences without escalating conflict

Rather than labeling one partner as the problem, this approach helps couples see how each person’s coping style influences the relationship dynamic.

When both partners understand the pattern, they can begin responding to each other differently. And that’s when the magic happens!

What You Can Expect From Therapy With Me

In therapy, we look closely at the patterns that show up during conflict or emotional stress.

Together we explore questions like:

• What happens inside you when conflict starts?
• What happens inside your partner?
• How do your coping styles interact with each other?
• How can both partners stay connected without feeling overwhelmed?

For people who naturally need space, therapy often focuses on learning how to communicate that need clearly while remaining emotionally present.

For partners who want more immediate connection, therapy can help them understand how to give space without feeling rejected or abandoned.

Over time, couples often discover that what once felt like distance can become a healthy rhythm of connection and autonomy.

Oftentimes, I can help you and your partner negotiate systems to deal with conflict in a way where you both get your unique needs met, WHILE remaining your authentic self.

Healthy Relationships Make Room for Both Closeness and Space

Strong relationships aren’t built on constant emotional closeness.

They’re built on the ability to move between closeness and independence while still feeling secure.

When partners understand each other’s emotional rhythms, conflict becomes less threatening and communication becomes more productive.

Sometimes the person who needs space isn’t withdrawing from the relationship.

They may simply be trying to keep themselves grounded enough to protect it.

If you’re struggling with repeating relationship patterns—whether that’s feeling shut out by a partner or feeling overwhelmed by emotional intensity—therapy can help you better understand these dynamics and develop healthier ways of relating.

Please feel free to reach out for a free 15 minute phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit. I hope to hear from you soon!

When High Empathy Makes You Vulnerable in Relationships (Companion Article to ‘Why Does Your Partner Need Space’)

Sometimes, the very qualities that make you compassionate, intuitive, and deeply empathetic—the traits you’re proud of—can also make you more vulnerable in relationships. If you find yourself over-giving, excusing behaviors you know aren’t okay, or repeatedly attracting partners who are emotionally unavailable, struggle with addiction, or are giving lower efforts that you to solve problems, therapy might be right for you. Understanding how your strengths can also create challenges, or even blind spots, is the first step toward building healthier, more balanced relationships.

The Pain of Caring Too Much

You notice patterns. You notice when someone isn’t showing up emotionally, when they dismiss your needs, or when their struggles spill over into your life. And yet…you keep trying. You keep hoping they’ll change, or that your love and support will fill the gaps. It’s exhausting. You might feel frustrated, lonely, angry, or even ashamed—like there’s something wrong with you for wanting more than they can give. These are the realities for people who are wired to care deeply, empathize easily, and stay committed even when it’s painful. It doesn’t have to be seen as a flaw, and can be an asset—but without healthy boundaries, it can become a trap.

How Therapy With Me Helps You Harness Your Strengths

Therapy with me can help you harness your personality traits or the ways you show up in the world (even if they’re due to past trauma) in a way that protects your emotional health while still allowing you to connect meaningfully with others. Together, we can learn to take appropriate responsibility in relationships, create balance, and understand our own and our loved ones’ attachment patterns, strengths, and challenges.

For people who consider themselves highly intuitive or sensitive, we can explore how natural empathy or high responsiveness may be drawing in partners who struggle to meet you halfway, or we may be engaging in over-functioning. I’ll help you recognize when your strengths are being overextended, teach you strategies to set boundaries without guilt, and guide you toward relationships that honor both your care for others and your own well-being—while still showing up as your true self.

What Is Bowen Family Systems Therapy?

I specialize in Bowen Family Systems Therapy, which focuses on understanding patterns in relationships, family dynamics, and personal behaviors. This approach helps you recognize how you are influenced by others, how emotional immaturity and past family patterns shape your current relationships, and how to strengthen your sense of self while staying connected. I also integrate skills-based strategies to help with emotional regulation, boundaries, and identifying trauma bonds or unhealthy attachment patterns.

What You Can Expect From Therapy With Me

In our sessions, you’ll find a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore your relational patterns. We’ll identify the ways your super traits—your empathy, intuition, and desire to care—can sometimes make you vulnerable to partners who struggle with emotional immaturity, addiction, low effort, or whether the relationship push and pull is simply related to the ‘distancer- pursuer’ dynamic (differencing attachment styles). I’ll help you notice patterns you may have overlooked and provide tools to respond differently, so you can maintain your boundaries without losing your warmth or compassion.

Therapy with me isn’t about changing who you are; it’s about strengthening your ability to stay connected while protecting your heart. We’ll work on strategies to manage anxiety or guilt when you assert yourself, practice responding rather than reacting to emotional chaos or past trauma, and develop clarity about the type of relationships that truly serve you.

Over time, you’ll begin to notice a shift: more ease, more emotional balance, and healthier relationships with a loved one who meets you halfway.

High empathy doesn’t have to feel like a vulnerability—therapy can help you learn to wield your strengths consciously, with confidence, in relationships that respect and honor you.

Book Inspiration: "Women Who Love Psychopaths” by Sandra Brown; Gottman Therapy

When Stress About an Addicted Child is Killing Your Marriage.

I am a therapist for parents of addicted adult children. I often meet with couples or families who are divided on how to handle their addicted adult child. Should we set hard limits? Cut them off? Quit our job? Let them detox at home (not recommended for safety reasons)?

In families, decision-making when you love someone struggling with addiction can feel totally confusing. The reason for that is because our nervous system is on high alert. Stress chemicals are flooding our bodies with fear responses developed on the plains for fight, flight, freeze, or the more recently identified “tend and befriend” or “fawn” behaviors.

If you oscillate between screaming, blocking their texts, dissociation, begging, or trying to manipulate them into submission, you’re not alone. These are normal responses for a nervous system on high alert. And it’s most likely these behaviors are also spilling into your relationship with your spouse.

We try to “fix” anyone in our loved one’s path to get them to deal with things the same way we are, thinking we need to pool resources and knock the kid’s boat over so they have no option but to submit and recover.

The truth? When we have multiple different opinions in a system about what the solution could be, it can actually create unique pathways we haven’t thought of before. Yes, we don’t want the system to collapse because we’re all running around “like chickens with our heads cut off”. But what more often happens is we become codependent with everyone in the system—creating more chaos. More anger. More attempts to control. More anger. More shame. More guilt. More terror.

Therapy with me helps you take healthy responsibility for yourself, determine how you want to show up, communicate with boundaries instead of commands, and reduce anxiety. By reducing your own anxiety, the system must change. We don’t know how it will change, yet—but you stop adding to the chaos. You start seeing the facts more clearly. You stop feeling so much guilt. And when you model healthy change, the system often moves with it—your spouse and child included.

I love working with individuals, couples, and families on making these meaningful changes. If you’re interested in learning more, please reach out for a free phone consultation. I hope to hear from you.

Why it’s Helpful to Set Boundaries with Your Addicted Adult Child

I often work with parents who are terrified to set boundaries with their addicted adult child.

What if they relapse and I don't know about it and something bad happens?
What if they go to jail and it makes their trauma worse?
What if they lose the scholarship?
What if their girlfriend breaks up with them and they spiral?
What if they think I don't love them?

They spend so much time in those worries, they forget:

What if I burn out and can't take it anymore?
What if I become so depressed that I can't take care of myself anymore (let alone help them)?
What if things get better?
What if me modeling self-care helps them realize they deserve it too?
What if I find myself again?
What if I finally feel comfortable setting boundaries?

With family dysfunction, we can rarely see the forest through the trees. The anxiety-filled shame spirals, the depression, the fear (based in reality!), the guilt, the unsolicited advice from everyone and their mother. But what therapy helps you see is the negative impact that your anxious over-focus has on your addicted adult child.

Lack of boundaries sends many messages I know you don't want to send:

I don't have faith in you.
I don't respect you enough to hold you accountable.
I will give my every last drop of sanity so you're okay (martyrdom- places the responsibility for YOUR well-being directly onto their shoulders).

What happens when my loved one (parent, partner, friend) sets boundaries with me?

I feel relieved. I know that my anger or sadness can only hurt them so much. I know that they have a well of reserves that doesn't just depend on how I show up or my behavior. Their calmness offers containment. It allows me to start taking responsibility for myself versus thinking I need others to change before I work on myself.

And that gift? That gift from a parent or loved one to someone struggling with addiction, mental illness, or other stresses is priceless.

Why Parents Struggle to Set Boundaries With an Addicted Adult Child

I want to fill you in on some of the top reasons I’ve seen parents struggle to set and hold boundaries with their addicted adult child.
Hint: It didn’t start with them.

1. Fear that setting a boundary will cause a relapse

Many parents are afraid that saying no will directly lead to using.

For example: the adult child asks to borrow the car. The parent says no. Then, the child gets a ride from friends the parent doesn’t trust.

The parent’s mind immediately goes to: “If I had just said yes, this wouldn’t be happening.”

So, the boundary starts to feel dangerous instead of healthy: The parent feels responsible, not just for the relationship, but for the outcome of the child’s choices.

This is simply not the case. We are never be responsible for another adult’s choices. (So, I joke with my clients, it’d be great if we could lock our loved ones in our basements- for their own protection…Just kidding!

Although, for codependents, that kind of sounds like paradise (dark humor! Sometimes it helps to laugh, when we want to cry.)

2. Belief that boundaries “force” bad choices

Parents often believe that setting a limit forces their child into making an alternate, worse decision.

So instead of holding the boundary, we try to manage the situation—timing, moods, access, reactions.

Unfortunately, managing someone else’s behavior creates a cascade of problems:

• The adult child never learns to tolerate frustration

• They may act impulsively to regain control or provoke a response

• The parent’s shame becomes “evidence” that they did something wrong

• The child learns (incorrectly) that the parent is responsible for how they feel

• The parent never builds confidence in surviving disappointment or uncertainty

3. Emotional reactions become the deciding factor

When parents are deeply affected by their child’s anger, silence, or disappointment, boundaries become conditional.

If the child reacts strongly, the parent backs down.
If the child stays calm, the boundary feels easier to hold.

Over time, emotions—not values—run the relationship.

This keeps both people stuck: the parent stays reactive, and the adult child never has to adjust.

4. Guilt and self-blame predate the addiction

Many parents were already carrying guilt long before substance use entered the picture.

They wonder what they missed, what they did wrong, or what they should have done differently.

Because of this, boundaries don’t feel neutral.
They feel punitive. Cold. Like abandonment.

So even reasonable limits feel emotionally unbearable to hold.

5. Family patterns trained the parent to over-function

For many parents, being calm, helpful, flexible, and accommodating was how peace was kept in their own families.

They learned early to smooth things over, take responsibility, and absorb tension.

Those habits don’t disappear when a child becomes an adult. They intensify.

Setting boundaries now feels unnatural, selfish, or cruel—even when it’s exactly what’s needed.

Final words

If you’re reading this and thinking, “This sounds exactly like my family,” you’re not alone—and you’re not doing it wrong.

Learning how to set boundaries with an addicted adult child isn’t about following rules or cutting someone off. It’s about understanding your unique family dynamics, your emotional patterns, and what you can realistically hold without falling apart.

If you want support thinking this through in a grounded, non-judgmental way, I offer free 15-minute consultations for parents who want to talk about their specific situation and figure out next steps that actually fit their family.

You don’t have to have it all figured out to reach out.

You can also shoot me a message via call/text or email, if that feels easier. 267-217-3017 or ayla@aylaflemingllc.com

My calendar scheduler for a free consultation is here.

How to Find Balance After Years of ‘Silencing Yourself’ and Your Needs

Many clients come to me worried that after years of silencing their needs, they might “overcorrect” — saying every thought in their head and potentially hurting their relationships. It’s a very common concern. Here are a few thoughts I share that can help you on your healing journey.

Feelings aren’t something to be feared.
The longer we push our emotions away or silence ourselves, the more they build up. They often show up in unhealthy patterns — like holding everything in until we explode, blaming others for our difficult feelings, or trying to influence someone else’s behavior. Even if you think you’re keeping it all inside, those feelings are still there — and they can still impact you and your relationships. Read about codependency to learn more.

You don’t have to say every thought immediately.
Learning discernment is key. Start by writing down your feelings and allowing yourself to calm emotionally before sharing them. This isn’t about silencing yourself further — it’s about being a healthy, grounded partner in relationships. If you feel like you’re about to explode, that may not be the right time to share. But that doesn’t mean you should never share; sometimes speaking up, even when it feels scary, is exactly what you need. It’s about learning balance.

Reclaiming your true desires takes support.
If you’ve spent years abandoning your own needs, working with a therapist can help you develop the skills to express yourself safely and authentically. Doing this work, you and your relationships can grow healthier — and you can finally honor your own voice.

You are worth it. Contact me today to schedule a free consultation about your specific situation.

Why We Lose Ourselves in a Loved One’s Addiction

If you’re struggling with an addicted loved one right now, I see you. It can feel impossible to stop thinking about them.

Will they be okay tonight? How are they feeling? What if I said something that triggers a relapse? Is it my fault? Are they going to make me angry? What if they die? How guilty should I feel? Am I asking for too much? Am I really as big of a jerk as they think I am?

If you’ve ever asked yourself these questions, you’re not alone. Family addiction is wildly confusing because you can’t fix it by collecting more information. It’s one of those problems that doesn’t make logical sense, and sometimes learning more becomes a way to avoid doing the harder thing—setting boundaries.

And by “harder,” I don’t mean it takes more energy. I mean it takes more effort. It’s emotionally harder because it asks us to tolerate discomfort instead of trying to control chaos.

When Boundaries Feel Impossible

This week, I had an argument with my loved one about finances. They said no to something I wanted, and I felt enraged. How dare they make a decision I thought should’ve been a team decision?

My mind started spiraling. I connected it to the larger pattern of injustice toward women. I felt ashamed that I was even close to someone who thought they could tell me what to do. I felt hopeless that society had put me in this situation. Then I felt depressed that my loved one didn’t notice—or understand—why I was so upset.

And beneath all of that, I felt ashamed that I was holding it in while feeling so much unbridled anger.

Truth be told, I grew up with family addiction. So, in order to manage my anxiety of never knowing what the tenor of the household would be, I became a Grade A People Pleaser. I became a “doormat” in a lot of my relationships just to “keep the peace.” I was exhausted, always trying to prove I was good enough. The truth was, I was used to things being hard. I didn’t realize there was an easier way—one that was still challenging and interesting, but also peaceful and life-affirming.

When You’re Doing Everything Alone

Let me give another example — your husband sleeps all day because he’s hungover. Normally, you seethe. You pick up the slack with the kids. You try to make their lives perfect and fill the role of two parents. You want to explode on him, but then you feel guilty.

You wonder if what he said—you’re the reason he uses—is really true. You think you’re defective because this dysfunction is also how your parents handled conflict. You feel immense shame and think you’ll never stop the generational cycle. You know this is “trauma bonding”. Then you feel shame again—afraid you’re going to pass these same patterns to your kids.

Then you get angry again that your partner doesn’t seem to care about healing cycles. Then back to shame—ashamed that you had a child with the wrong person and terrified you’ve ruined your kids for life.

Pause for a second.

What if you just tried functioning as one parent? He’s made a decision—or his addiction has impacted him to the point where his body needs to sleep all day. Knowing that, what are you able to do? What do you want to say that’s honest, self-respecting, and still compassionate toward the person you’ve loved?

Can you tell him calmly how you feel? Let him know that if he doesn’t wake up, you can only do the minimum, and you can’t keep everything in the household running? Can you tell him you’re feeling sad and hurt, that you still see the good dad in him, but you’re struggling to hold your temper?

Can you let him know you’re working on managing your own anxiety—but you’re unsure where that leaves the relationship? Not from a place of punishment or blame, but from honesty and patience toward someone you’ve loved deeply. This is behavior you can be proud of. And at least, doesn’t add fuel to dysfunctional fire.

The Truth About Healing in Addicted Families

Addiction is so crazy-making for families that we often become too anxious to try just one thing at a time. We feel completely overwhelmed and frustrated. But what if we just took one small step—and left room for people to surprise us?

You have to learn where bending becomes breaking.

You can say, “This doesn’t work for me.”
You can ask what they want to do if you can’t go along with their plan.
You can calmly share how you want to do it—without commanding.
You can decide what you’ll do if someone doesn’t want to meet you halfway.

You’re allowed to have needs no one else understands.

You’re allowed to not always explain yourself.

Once we remember that it’s okay to pause, breathe, and not react from a place of explosive anger—and that life will still be okay even if we can’t make people do what we want—we start to heal. Not just ourselves, but our relationships.

We can’t control whether others change. We can’t stop ourselves from getting to our breaking point. We can’t guarantee that people don’t do many, many things to harm themselves. And we can’t guarantee that a relationship will be life-long.

But we also can’t predict what might happen next if we change ourselves.

Let’s try living in the moment and leaving room for people to surprise us.

Healing starts when we remember we can love others without losing ourselves.

Your call to action

If you’re unsure how to start, contact me today for a free therapy consultation. I know how overwhelming it can feel because I’ve been through it—and I came out the other side.

You can do this—whether you decide to stay or go, and whether they decide to get sober or not.

How to Heal from Codependency Using Bowen Theory (Family Addiction)

If you feel like you’ve lost yourself in a relationship with someone who struggles with addiction, you are not alone. Many women come to Ayla Fleming LLC feeling tired, guilty, or unsure of who they really are.

This is often called codependency. Using methods like Bowen Family Systems Theory, I help people see patterns in their family and relationships and guide them toward real healing.

What is Bowen Family Systems Theory?

Bowen Theory looks at families as emotional systems. It doesn’t just focus on the problem (like a partner’s drinking). It helps people see patterns like:

• Being too close emotionally (fusion)

• Taking on too much responsibility (over-functioning)

• Letting others do too little (under-functioning)

• Repeating family patterns across generations

The main tool I help clients learn is self-differentiation — staying connected to others but still having your own feelings, choices, and identity.

Why Bowen Theory Helps in Codependency and Addiction

When someone you love struggles with addiction, families often fuse together emotionally. This can look like:

• One person trying to fix everything while the other stays in crisis

• Feeling like your life depends on the other person’s moods or actions

• Repeating patterns you grew up with

Healing doesn’t mean leaving or ignoring your loved ones. It means learning how to stand in your own identity while staying connected.

The 8 Bowen Concepts With Real-Life Examples and Challenges

1. Differentiation of Self

• Before therapy: Cancelling your plans because your partner might relapse.

• After therapy: Going to a friend’s event while supporting your partner without carrying their feelings.

• Why is this sometimes challenging to implement without therapy?: It can feel scary or uncomfortable to prioritize your own needs for the first time. You may worry about upsetting others, feeling over-responsible for your partner’s needs, or being seen as selfish.

2. Relationship Triangles

• Before: Talking to a sibling instead of your partner about a fight; a teen pulled into arguments.

• After: I talk directly to my partner; parents talk directly to each other, so that the teen isn’t expected to manage adult stress.

• Challenge: Stepping out of a triangle can create tension at first. Others may resist or become upset when you stop acting as the mediator.

3. Nuclear Family Emotional System

• Before: One partner handles everything while the other drinks.

• After: Responsibilities are shared; both practice self-care and boundaries.

• Challenge: Adjusting roles can feel uncomfortable. You may face anxiety or guilt when letting others take responsibility.

4. Family Projection Process

• Before: Parents worry their child will repeat family problems.

• After: Parents notice their fears but let children make their own choices and recognize your child is not the family.

• Challenge: Letting go of control is hard. You may feel worried, anxious, or uncertain about what will happen when you step back.

5. Multigenerational Transmission Process

• Before: Patterns of over-functioning or addiction repeat in the family.

• After: Awareness allows new, healthier ways of relating.

• Challenge: Changing long-standing family patterns can feel confusing or uncomfortable. You may encounter resistance from others who are used to old roles.

6. Emotional Cutoff

• Before: “Blocking” a parent from calling you but obsessing over them.

• After: Boundaries are verbalized and followed through with consistency (not as a punishment, but follow through about how you will care for yourself if your boundaries are crossed); emotional freedom is gained.

• Challenge: Establishing boundaries can create temporary guilt, sadness, confusion, or tension with family members.

7. Sibling Position

• Before: Oldest child carries family burdens into adulthood.

• After: Responsibilities are shared; limits are clear; stress is reduced.

• Challenge: Changing your role may create pushback from siblings or parents who are used to the old pattern.

8. Societal Emotional Process

• Before: Believing you must always sacrifice to be “good.”

• After: Balancing responsibilities with self-care and personal goals.

• Challenge: Letting go of cultural or personal expectations can feel uncomfortable or even provoke self-doubt or negativity from family.

How Anxiety Spreads Beyond the Family

Addiction and codependency affect more than just the family:

• Children: May take on adult responsibilities too early.

• Friends: Can feel drained or caught in their friends’ crises.

• Coworkers: Over-functioning or under-functioning to cover for colleagues can spread stress.

• Extended Family: Grandparents, siblings, or cousins may take sides or try to rescue.

• Community/Support Groups: Anxiety in the system can affect faith or recovery groups, recreating old roles.

As you can see, anywhere where there are groups of people, they can benefit from learning about Bowen Theory.

Healed Examples of Bowen Concepts

• Saying “no” without guilt

• Feeling calm even when a partner struggles

• Breaking family patterns for your children

• Moving from constant anxiety to grounded, steady presence

• Shifting from reactive roles to authentic connection

Healing means developing self-differentiation, boundaries, and groundedness, so relationships are about connection, not fusion.

Individual, Couples, or Family Therapy

You don’t need everyone in therapy for change to start. Even one person can begin to shift the system.

• Why one person helps: Their growth changes how others interact. Less fusion and more clarity spreads naturally.

• Couples or family therapy: Roles are shared more fairly. Everyone learns to manage anxiety and stress. The whole system can change in a healthier way.

Research Background

• Bowen first worked with families of people with schizophrenia. Families who became more differentiated helped the patient improve, even though the diagnosis remained.

• This approach also works for families affected by addiction or trauma.

• Bowen therapy can be an alternative or addition to AA, Al-Anon, CoDA, SMART Recovery, CRAFT, or trauma therapy. It strengthens your self while supporting relationships.

Why Work With Ayla Fleming, LLC

As a Family and Relationships Therapist, I help women reclaim their sense of self:

• Focus on your growth, not just the addicted partner

• Build self-differentiation without tying it to a role or identity

• Navigate the whole system — family, friends, colleagues — with healthy boundaries

Take the Next Step

If this framework sounds useful to you, please don't wait. Applying these skills can make a huge difference in reducing codependency, stress levels, and capacity for change in your family. It could even safe lives. Contact me for a free consultation to discuss your particular situation. I hope to hear from you soon.

Warmly,

-Ayla

​Schedule a FREE consultation​

Why Out-of-Network (OON) Therapy Might be the Best Choice for You

If you’re searching for therapy, you may have come across the term “out-of-network” (OON) therapist. Simply put, an OON therapist doesn’t bill insurance directly—but that doesn’t mean your insurance can’t help. Many plans include OON benefits, so you may be able to submit receipts and get partial reimbursement. You can check your benefits using Mentaya, your insurance portal, the number on the back of your card, or by reaching out to me directly. I’m happy to help you navigate it.

OON therapy isn’t just about insurance—it’s about results, focus, and growth. Here’s why it can be the best choice:

• Highly specialized, focused care: OON therapists often have unique skills or specialties that match your specific goals. Therapy can be shorter, more targeted, and more effective because every session is designed to meet your needs.

• Individual attention and structure: With smaller caseloads, OON therapists provide personalized guidance, structured strategies, and step-by-step support. You’re not just another appointment on a long schedule—you get focused, organized care.

• Action-oriented mindset: OON therapists focus on mindset, strategy, and execution. We don’t just talk about problems—we help you take real steps toward change and measurable results.

• Financial commitment fuels progress: When you invest in yourself, you’re more motivated to show up, engage fully, and tackle challenging goals. Therapy is hard work, and personal investment makes it easier to stick with it and grow.

• Parallel process: A therapist who models healthy behavior and sets strong boundaries demonstrates how change actually happens. OON practices often allow therapists to care for themselves and be fully present for you.

• Growth is naturally uncomfortable: Real change pushes you outside your comfort zone. A little discomfort signals progress, and OON therapy encourages you to step into growth with confidence.

• Addressing the real issues: Insurance rules sometimes limit what in-network therapists can focus on. OON therapy gives space to tackle the topics that matter most—like money, family dynamics, and life triggers—without constraint.

• High-deductible or FSA plans: Even if your insurance could technically cover in-network therapy, high deductibles or limited benefits often mean you’ll pay out-of-pocket anyway. Paying for specialized care directly is a smart investment in yourself.

OON therapy is particularly valuable for upwardly mobile individuals, professionals, and anyone seeking a focused, strategic, and results-driven approach to personal growth and relationships.

If you want therapy that’s personalized, effective, and transformative, it’s time to consider OON care. At Ayla Fleming LLC in Philadelphia, my goal is to help clients build healthier relationships, stronger boundaries, and lasting change—whether or not insurance is involved. Contact me today to schedule a free, 15 minute call to see if we are a good fit.