Signs You’re Enabling an Addicted Loved One (and How to Stop)
When Helping Starts to Hurt
Most clients struggling with an addicted or dysfunctional family system feel guilty taking care of themselves. They say things like, “What’ll happen if I start focusing on me? Don’t they need help more than I do? I’m afraid something bad will happen. Will my loved one think I’ve given up on them? I think I’ll have more anxiety if I step back.”
If you’ve found yourself saying any of these things, it’s likely that you’re struggling with enabling. This isn’t to say we shouldn’t intervene to help our loved one during emergency situations, but oftentimes we don’t realize that we’ve begun to hurt them, more than help.
Signs You May Be Hurting More Than Helping
You’re depleted (even if you’re in denial about it). You think they don’t notice, but they do. And even if they’re oblivious or saying you should do more, a part of them often knows you’re suffering “because” of them. And this adds to their struggles.
You’re keeping them from experiencing natural consequences of life because you’re scared of what’s gone wrong in the past. Maybe they’ve been arrested, overdosed, gotten into a fight, or have even been assaulted. You want to stand between them and the cruelty of the world’s consequences. But if you’re not allowing them to at least take some calculated risks, it’s hard for them to build self-confidence or empowerment in the possibility of recovery. You may be perpetuating the likelihood they’ll feel shame without knowing it.
You are behaving in toxic ways (arguments, yelling, drama, etc.) and that keeps other supportive people on the sidelines. They may not want to get involved in the chaos. Maybe you’re so frustrated (understandably so!) that you gossip, triangulate people into your arguments, or contribute in other ways to their depression and anxiety. They may use “you” as an excuse to use. Their addiction certainly isn’t your fault, but it can be incredibly helpful if we “clear our side of the street.”
You’re getting depressed or anxious yourself (or may even be starting to abuse substances too). Our other relationships may be ending because they are too overwhelmed by our problems. We cannot truly help others if our boat is sinking too.
Why Stopping Enabling Feels So Hard
Most clients come to me because they’ve read every book, but still feel lost. They struggle to focus on themselves for any consistent amount of time. Sometimes they identify boundaries before they come to me, but they don’t feel consistently confident enough to hold the boundaries (if they’ve even thought about how to hold them). They hate the idea of “detaching with love” because it feels antithetical to who they are as a helper, sensitive, moral person. But at the same time, they know something needs to change. They just have no idea what—or even if they know what needs to change, they don’t know how it could ever feel “kind.”
I help people do the deep work to come out of the other side of family addiction, trauma, violence, and/or abuse and feel whole, boundaried, loving (not controlling by trying to “fix” everything and everyone), and confident again.
I primise- there is a way to help your loved one from a place of authenticity; it just takes some intentional effort to develop this ability.
Support for You
If this post resonates with you, please contact me today for a free consultation to see if we’re a good fit. I am optimistic I can help in all these ways.
You (and your loved ones) are worth it.