Overcoming Guilt About Setting Boundaries with Addicted Adult Children
Are You Struggling with Boundaries as a Parent of an Addicted Adult Child?
If you’re a parent of an addicted adult child, odds are you’re here because you’re struggling with setting boundaries.
You may worry that setting boundaries is a way to abandon your adult child. You may be saying: “They’re growing up, and their needs are constantly changing!” You probably thought you’d be best friends with them by now. “They’re struggling with addiction—don’t they need me more than ever? Don’t parents know their children better than anyone else on the planet?!”
If you’re going through this, I totally understand. I grew up with family addiction as well.
There’s the fear, too: What if they relapse and really harm themselves this time? What if they go to jail and that experience creates more trauma? What if they have a run-in with the wrong crowd and are “just one bad decision away from something they can never come back from”? And, what if I’m the only one who can save them?
What Is a Boundary?
A boundary is a limit that helps maintain our relationship with someone. Boundaries help keep people in our life, not keep them out of it. If you want to develop a stronger relationship with someone, set a boundary.
For us, a boundary helps us avoid getting so burnt out that we give up on them.
For them, it shows them that we respect them enough—and have enough optimism in their abilities—that we think we can continue the relationship in this more honest way.
When we don’t hold or set any boundaries with someone, we indirectly send the message that we think they’re hopeless or incapable of functioning in a healthier way. We actually add to the drama, too, because being boundary less is absolutely exhausting (and sometimes infuriating).
Boundaries Protect Our Energy
Reflecting on your boundaries also helps you (and them) be more realistic about your limits, so they stop expecting things from you that you’re not actually capable of giving:
I can’t stay up all night and answer your phone call—I have to work to make money.
I can’t give you a million dollars for your next treatment program—I just don’t have it.
I can’t let you live with me all throughout my retirement—I’m going to deeply resent you, and then how can I help you?
Boundaries help protect our energy so that we can be there for them when they actually need it. Not to help de-escalate them when they get into the 15th argument this week about their partner, but when they’re ready to seek treatment. When they need you to come visit them at the psychiatric inpatient this weekend because they had a psychotic break. When you need to get them another phone so you can stay in contact with them if they’re living on the street.
So you have the bandwidth to shoot them a daily text saying you love them and have faith in them (and actually doing your own spiritual practices daily so you can truly hold hope).
Choosing Where to Put Your Energy
We can put our energy into putting out fires, adding to the drama, or creating more chaos (guilting, shaming, yelling, begging, staying up all night wondering where they are until we are so overwhelmed that we have to cut off contact) or we can put it into creating stable, predictable, lasting, responsive (when they really need it), hopeful support.
Addiction often destroys all our relationships with our loved ones. It’s a disease. Often, the family is as sick as the person taking etc substance. We become addicted to fixing.
Many forms of treatment say to “let them hit rock bottom” by cutting off all contact with supports. Many clients who come to me have tried that before, and it was far too painful or made things worse. I know that parents are some of the most motivated supports of their children. But you can’t do this alone. And you can’t do it if you’re trying to pour from already drained cup.
Ready to Do the Work?
If you are ready to do the work—set boundaries, hold them, and figure out how you can be the healthiest you can so you’re consistently there to offer help when they’re truly ready—and handle the anxiety and stress of making the transition (it’s not easy, but for many parents, it’s so worth it), contact me today. Both you and your child are so worth this. Let me help you get off the hamster wheel today.