8 Signs You’re Trying to Control an Addicted Loved One (Instead of Facing Grief)
If you’ve been trying to set boundaries with an addicted or dysfunctional loved one but can’t seem to stick to them, you’re not alone. Many people struggling with codependency, anxiety, and family dysfunction find themselves stuck in cycles of over-functioning, control, and emotional burnout. What looks like a boundary issue is often something deeper—an attempt to avoid grief.
Almost all clients that come to me have been trying to figure out ways to set boundaries with their loved ones, but aren’t able to stick with them. Here are the most common things they tell me that have gotten in the way of setting their boundaries (and how that changes when we start working together).
They just keep over-explaining what their boundaries are instead of holding them. The problem isn’t that they don’t know how to set boundaries. The problem is that they don’t do the second part—holding them. They may not even have a plan for how they’ll handle it if someone crosses their limits. That’s not a boundary—that’s a request. They are more focused on getting their loved one to change than deciding what they will tolerate. In therapy, you will learn to both identify, set, and hold boundaries.
They have chronic physical health issues. Most clients come to me when they’re totally depleted and ill. Chronic gut issues, chronic pain, autoimmune disorders, heart palpitations, insomnia, even cancer. It isn’t a coincidence that people experiencing more traumatic events have statistically higher levels of inflammation in the body. Oftentimes, the body knows what boundaries are needed before we do mentally. Therapy will help you to start seeing what’s contributing to the medical issues.
They have read as many books, podcasts, and articles as I have (coming from family addiction/dysfunction, myself)—and I have read A LOT. I even became a therapist trying to figure out what was “normal.” It’s not uncommon to have tried everything before you are ready to actually do the grief work and learn to hold boundaries. Therapy helps you try something completely new to process with your grief..
They are still thinking, “If I just say it the right way, they’ll finally get it.” If they were capable of “getting it,” they would have by now. The stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I believe “anxiety and control attempts” should be in there somewhere too, because a lot of us find ourselves stuck in those stages for a while. If you’re still thinking you just need to work harder, it begs the question of how hard they’re working, if they’re capable, or if your stuckness may be contributing to their stuckness. That’s often how family addiction, codependency, and dysfunction work—it’s not a promise they’ll change if you change, but it’s often the last resort my clients come to, and the way transformation in the family finally starts—for better or worse.
They feel responsible for predicting or preventing the next crisis. They may even have an obsessive compulsive urge to (even be diagnosed with OCD), where they feel they have to figure out a solution for every crisis that pops into their head. At one point, I read an article explaining why people watch scary movies—it’s a way their nervous system learns to prep for worst-case scenarios, getting a hit of dopamine and a false sense of security. Clients develop hypervigilance that makes them feel in control—but it’s an illusion. They secretly believe: “If I stop trying, something bad will happen… and it will be my fault.” Therapy with me will address these OCD-like behaviors, as well.
They feel guilty when their loved one struggles—even when it’s not their fault. They take inappropriate responsibility for another person’s age-appropriate or developmental responsibilities. What they are doing is confusing empathy with responsibility. Unfortunately, this can disempower their dysfunctional or addicted loved one by limiting opportunities to experience natural consequences, learn to cope, build life skills, or develop confidence by achieving goals. They stay in constant contact to “keep an eye on things,” but it eventually starts benefiting them more than their loved one. Specialized therapy with me can help you start to challenge those thoughts by doing “little experiments” (stepping back a little) to practice the skills and re-set your nervous system.
They swing between over-functioning and emotional shutdown, considering estrangement or taking long breaks—sometimes even to punish their loved one. This creates more emotional instability and guilt for both them and their loved one. The relationship sometimes even turns toxic, and everyone is stuck in survival mode and catch-up instead of moving forward, growing, and healing. Specialized therapy can teach you to set boundaries and create more support and predictability for both you and your loved one/s.
They feel a sense of panic or emptiness when they stop engaging, because grief starts to surface. Sometimes, stopping the constant fixing and controlling can be the hardest thing to do. This is often when your body starts to face the reality that you don’t have control over everything, and your power is limited. Specialized therapy can help you deal with these incredibly difficult feelings, sadness, anxiety, and discomfort.
At some point, clients start to realize they’re ready for something different.
I help people look at generational patterns, how their personality traits and past experiences made them more susceptible to these behaviors, and how the trauma of loving someone struggling with addiction or family dysfunction primed them for this. From there, we start moving through the stages of grief—actually working through each step—so they can come out the other side as a more grounded, stable, loving (real love- not codependency) and consistent version of themselves.
Sometimes the loved one or family changes. Sometimes it doesn’t.
But you do—and that can change everything.
If you’re starting to realize that no amount of trying, fixing, or explaining is going to change them—and you’re ready to finally feel peace (or discover your “real” personality underneath the years of chaos)—this is the work I do.
I help people step out of control patterns, understand their role in the family system, and actually move through the grief they’ve been avoiding—so they can become more grounded, clear, and emotionally free. Whether you’re a parent, adult child, sibling, or spouse, I see you.
If that’s where you are, you can contact me today for a free therapy consultation to see if we’re a good fit. No obligation, just support. This is a safe space for all your feelings.