When a Loved One Says They Use to Cope with You

It can be incredibly confusing when you confront a loved one about their substance use and they claim the reason they use is you. I want you to know: later, when my loved one was sober or had a period of sobriety, they said that was a lie. They were frustrated I was confronting them or by our toxic communication dynamic by that point, but it wasn’t my fault that they were using.
There is real change possible here—even if you can’t see it yet.

Why People Use

The reasons people use are plentiful. Some start to cope with depression or anxiety. Others want to mask their feelings around a traumatic incident that nobody knows about. Still others use substances to cope with panic attacks, numbness, or they don’t feel “normal” unless they have a drink (they were likely incredibly depressed or anxious beforehand and didn’t know it). Many people feel shame, guilt, or weakness because they can’t stop using—and lash out at others. Still others become so mentally confused by their drug or alcohol use that they truly start to believe the reason they use substances is because other people are “driving them crazy.”

The Fear That It’s Your Fault

In these types of situations, it’s almost impossible to not develop a complex fear that we’re a terrible person who “made” our loved one sick. We may think it’s just as much our responsibility to “get well” and they won’t recover unless we recover first. That’s also a fallacy.
Even small shifts on your end can start to change the entire dynamic over time.

What Actually Helps

Research suggests that the best chances our loved ones will have to get and stay sober is that we do our own work. That may include going to peer support groups (Al-Anon, ACOA, CODA), specialized individual therapy, couples therapy, family therapy, or self-discovery using values-based exercises or focusing on our own self-care, hobbies, and life goals. It will certainly also include setting boundaries on what you’re willing to tolerate in relationships with others (and more importantly, how you’ll handle it when the limits are crossed) and ending conversations that are patterned in the same old cycle. It may even require you to step back from relationships for a few days, a week, or sometimes months to recalibrate your nervous system. Stepping outside the cycle is sometimes the only way to reset yourself and figure out who you are instead of trying to “fix” or “control” their life.
And this is absolutely not a hopeless cause. Whether your loved one stops using or not, again, research shows that if you get your own help, it increases the chances for them to heal as well. The work you do matters more than you think.

The Cycle That Keeps You Stuck

In addition, oftentimes the “toxic cycle” we end up in with our loved one is riddled with frustration, exhaustion, shame, blame, and guilt. We can contribute to keeping one another “stuck” in both excuses to use, difficult feelings, and obsession with how the other person harmed us—and it’s understandable we can’t move past it. There are ways to move forward, but it does take looking at our own individual behavior and taking responsibility for it (which ironically will give us a lot more peace and contribute to stability and empowerment for the other person), even if right now we just feel like there’s no way out and no one could possibly understand how scary and complicated it is (I’ve been there multiple times with different loved ones—I promise, I get it).
When you begin to show up differently, it can create ripple effects you didn’t think were possible.

Support for You

If you’re struggling to figure out what’s your responsibility and what’s theirs, specialized codependency therapy can be extremely helpful to getting yourself grounded and thinking clearly again. Many therapists will tell you to “just detach with love,” and while that’s often key, it can be terrifying and feel “cold” to do that. Specialized therapy can help you set limits in ways that feel comfortable, often for the first time. If you want a different experience and to finally find peace either still connected to your loved one or not, contact me today for a free therapy consultation. No obligation—just 15 minutes to see if we’re a good fit and how I can help.
You are not stuck here—and meaningful change is still available to you.
You (and your loved one) are worth it.