You’re Not Causing Family Addiction; But You Might Be Keeping it Going
When I think about family addiction, I don’t just think about how to get our loved ones sober; I think about what patterns of family behavior support the addicted one, staying addicted!
This isn’t to say I’m blaming the family for keeping the “addict” sick. But I’m wondering what stresses the family out so much that they’ve reduced their loved one to an “addict.”
Over-identifying someone as just one “role” can encourage anyone to stay stuck in that role.
On the other hand, knowing what we’re dealing with (“an addict”) reduces family members’ anxiety.
I used to pride myself on being “kind, calm, and peaceful.” The truth? I was overcompensating for an extremely chaotic family system.
When we’re kids and people tell us we’re an “old soul,” “a rebel,” or “never around,” categorizing us as extremes isn’t usually because it’s 100% true—it means the family can’t tolerate people being multifaceted. The “strong personality” is sometimes hiding a greater issue that is being distracted from by calling attention to someone’s singularity. Rigid “roles” make things easier to understand and cope with, a way to make sense of the world, not feel so hurt by others, etc.—but harder to do things differently or see the nuances.
For example, your colleague is loud and brash. Everyone identifies her as “too much.” It’s easy to say that and makes us all feel superior and more relaxed when we avoid her. But what is she trying to make us all see? Maybe her delivery is abrasive, but isn’t she right about some of the things she’s saying? She’s definitely angry—but doesn’t she have some points? Rarely is someone 100% wrong.
What if you have a super easy-going family member? She always does what everyone else wants to do. She even admits she’s happy to please. But does she ever say “no”? Is she able to? And does she feel comfortable saying no?
Wouldn’t you be frustrated if she acted in a way that surprised you—even say she’s not “acting like herself”?
The real question I have for you is, what’s wrong with her not acting like herself? Maybe she wants to change.
Feeling uncomfortable with change is precisely the reason why families stay stuck. Change isn’t always bad—especially if there is addiction at play.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to start experimenting with roles in your family:
Do you notice any patterns in your family that are extremes?
Do you let people act differently, or does it make you feel uncomfortable?
Are there ways that you could experiment with doing things differently? In what ways would you like to show up differently today?
Are there any things you could try behaviorally that would allow others space to show up differently and not expect them to be a certain way so much?
Here are some ways this has showed up for me:
I noticed there were people in my family who were labeled as “too much”, “dramatic”, or “selfish”. Instead of feeling frustrated that these people did this, I asked other family members to tell me more about why the family thought that way. It was really interesting what they told me because I realized they had been gossiped about so much that I never heard their side. I started realizing there are two sides to a story—even our family stories that have been repeated (even for generations!).
I started holding boundaries with family. Not just saying them and assuming they’d trample them, but saying no and ending the conversation—following through consistently with what I said I was going to do. People didn’t like it, but they adjusted somehow. I learned that without being consistent and doing things differently, things will never change.
If I had an addicted loved one, I stopped expecting they’d certainly lie, manipulate, or steal—I still tread lightly and prioritized safety, but I also I started telling them that I had faith they’d figure things out for themselves, and that I loved them. I held boundaries, but I spoke about them differently. I stopped gossiping about them to other family and reinforcing old roles. This reduced a bit of pressure so they could perhaps not feel so pushed into the old roles.
I like to talk to my clients about them making changes as doing “experiments.” It takes the pressure off to do things perfectly the first time. The fact is, we have no idea what’ll happen to the family system when we change.
With families where there’s addiction, it can be terrifying to try something different. Predictability has kept us safe—but shaking things up can also be the reason that helps us step out of old dynamics and actually get better.
If you’d like to start doing some experiments of your own, contact me today for a free therapy consultation. Doing this work may be some of the most meaningful experiences of our lives, especially if we feel caught in the chaos and stress of our addicted or dysfunctional family systems. I hope to hear from you! Reach out