How to Stop People Pleasing, Perfectionism, and Set Healthy Boundaries Without Guilt
Many of my clients feel confused as to how other people are so okay with upsetting others. One of my favorite parts of therapy is helping clients learn to do this.
It may sound like an odd goal, I know. But for people who struggle with people pleasing, this is actually a wonderful goal.
In past therapy, you probably tried to common recommendations: Make a small typo in an email and see that no one notices. Don’t finish a non-essential piece of work and notice that no one cares.
But what happens when you’re the “golden child” or “fixer” in your family, and you stop playing that role? Thinking about trying to stop enabling peoples’ bad or overly dependent behavior can be terrifying. And lets be honest- we depend on others’ validation to feel worthy.
Here are some ways you can start to loosen people pleasing/ perfectionism’s grip on you:
1. Notice Who Benefits from Your Pleasing
If you tend to achieve, it’s likely that the people around you praise you for it. You may have unconsciously chosen to be close to them because they’re predictable and get something out of your consistent pleasing. When you stop achieving or pleasing, most of your circle might not like it. If they don’t adjust, it’s likely that the boundary was needed even more than you initially thought. It’s okay if some people step back, because it creates space for those who don’t need you to be a certain way to love you.
2. Practice Saying How You Feel
Start small: “I don’t want to do that, no thanks” or “How about we do this instead?” Notice if people accept you as you are or try to change you. Wanting something different than others is completely normal. You may realize for the first time that you and your friends or family have different interests. If they try to change you, that’s a toxic pattern. If they adjust their actions but stay friendly, that’s healthy.
3. Try Experimenting with Small Boundaries
Start with these. Observe how others respond, and notice your feelings as well. Change is always uncomfortable, but it's not “wrong” or “mean”.
Stop doing something you feel obligated to do, benefits someone else, but doesn’t serve you.
Take a pause before saying yes to requests and notice discomfort. If you’re uncomfortable, say “sorry”, but you don’t have the bandwidth to take something else on right now.
Stop giving people unsolicited advice, unless you want to (this should be rare to be helpful instead of enabling): Allow yourself to let people wait or solve minor problems on their own.
4. Observe Your Emotional Reactions
Again, try and thoughtfully notice the anxiety, guilt, or fear that comes up when you disappoint others. *These are clues to where your boundaries are weak or where old patterns of people-pleasing are still operating.
Feeling discomfort is part of growth—it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
5. Re-route the Pleasing Energy to Focusing on Your Own Desires
Spend time every few days identifying what you want, without filtering through how it might affect others. Some exercises that may help: Journaling, values-based exercises, or simply mentally reflection can help. The more often you practice honoring your own preferences and focusing on your own needs, the easier it becomes to maintain healthy boundaries. If you have struggled with pleasing and perfectionism for a long time, it’s likely you regularly ignore your needs in order to focus on helping others.
If any of this resonates with you and you would like to work on it in therapy, please reach out to schedule a free phone consultation with me. You are so worth it. I can’t wait to hear from you!