Why Spirituality is So Important in Codependency Recovery
I’m Going to Say Something Polarizing
I’m going to say something polarizing here: I never liked community support groups like Al-Anon, CoDA, or ACoA. Why? They required that I pick a “higher power” outside of myself.
When I was a kid struggling with my loved one’s addiction, I used to appeal to God to fix things. Unfortunately, I spoke to God all the time. He never answered. Instead, I developed coping skills such as enabling, people-pleasing, peacemaking, being a “joker”, and OCD.
Later in life, I realized I was experiencing PTSD, but I just kept trying to “fix myself” so I could remain closely connected to my addicted loved one. I figured this was my problem. I just needed to find the “right” solution.
What I Didn’t Realize
The truth? I needed to stop obsessively trying to “fix” myself and everyone else. I needed to figure out what my body had been screaming to tell me for years.
I was experiencing chronic pain, gut issues, depression, anxiety, and the whole range of symptoms that come from constantly looking for “the answer” outside of myself.
I was basically obsessed with optimizing my own functioning so I could do my self-care perfectly, show up perfectly for my addicted loved ones, and eventually everything would be okay—because my loved one would get sober, and I would be 100% healthy, high-functioning, and successful in my career.
What I Learned Instead
What I learned was very different than that.
Eventually, after a few different personal emotional and physical crises (if we work together and it seems like it may be helpful to you, I’m happy to share), I realized that the answers were in my body all along. The answer wasn’t in “letting go and let God.” First, I needed to listen to my body.
I am not saying that 12-step group or structured religion won’t be right for you (in fact, most of my clients subscribe deeply to a religion, and it’s meaningful and healthy for them). Whether religion or 12-step groups are “right” or “wrong” way of healing isn’t the question here.
But in my personal experience, they became another way to try to do things perfectly so that I’d get the “right” outcome.
The unfortunate truth? There is no “right outcome” with family addiction—or life. It is a continuous learning, healing, and sometimes painful journey. But luckily, how we choose to handle these situations can lead us to a much wiser and healthier state of being.
Redefining “God”
The “God” I ended up defining first was myself. I actually had a lot of power. I stopped outsourcing all the responsibility of healing and setting boundaries to God. This became my responsibility.
The part that I do have to let go of is the outcome.
But I needed to start listening to what my body was telling me: waking up in the middle of the night worried about what my loved one was doing, chronic pain issues, constant anxiety.
Many of my helper colleagues and clients over the years have developed serious health issues and just worked harder. They attended the doctor appointments and did the “right” self care tasks, but they didn’t actually heal the trigger that caused the problem to begin with (over-functioning).
They didn’t realize that their body was hurting and that the solution was likely that they needed to pour into themselves just as much as they were pouring into their addicted loved ones.
Triangulation
The concept of triangulation means bringing in a third party to manage anxiety in a relationship instead of addressing what’s happening directly.
I was doing that with God.
Instead of sitting with my own fear, grief, and limits, I was trying to hand it off—hoping something outside of me would fix it or take the discomfort away. But that kept me disconnected from what I actually needed to pay attention to: my own symptoms, my own limits, and my own emotional experience.
Forms of Spirituality That Can Be Helpful
Some forms of spirituality can actually help us get closer to ourselves instead of further away.
Reflective practices like less prescriptive religious values, reflection about our own morals/ethics, spirituality, tarot, art, or journaling can help us understand our feelings, desires, fears, and goals—rather than focusing solely on our loved one. They don’t give us direct answers, but encourage us to define those answers for ourselves in the ambiguity of the form.
Setting boundaries that are aligned with our physical and mental health allows us to show up more consistently and sustainably, instead of burning out or reacting impulsively.
Allowing others to be on their own spiritual journey means we stop trying to control their path and instead focus on how we want to show up in the relationship.
Understanding projection helps us recognize when we’re placing our fears or hopes onto others instead of taking responsibility for our own internal experience.
Finding meaning in religion, spirituality, or God can be helpful if it genuinely brings clarity and grounding—not if it’s a way of avoiding responsibility for ourselves.
Practices like Buddhism emphasize letting go of outcomes, tolerating uncertainty, and observing our thoughts and emotions without becoming consumed by them.
Ending
There is no perfect way to do this. There is no formula that guarantees your loved one will recover or that you’ll never feel pain again.
But there is a way to become more grounded, more aware, and more connected to yourself.
For me, that didn’t come from trying to do everything perfectly or handing things over to a higher power.
It came from listening to my body, understanding my limits, and taking responsibility for how I show up.
And that changed everything.
If you’re interested to do this work for yourself, please reach out to schedule a free phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit.
No pressure, no obligation. I hope to hear from you soon!