Healing from Codependency with Bowen Theory: Finding Yourself in Relationships with Addiction
If you feel like you’ve lost yourself in a relationship with someone who struggles with addiction, you are not alone. Many women come to Ayla Fleming LLC feeling tired, guilty, or unsure of who they really are.
This is often called codependency. Using methods like Bowen Family Systems Theory, I help people see patterns in their family and relationships and guide them toward real healing.
What is Bowen Family Systems Theory?
Bowen Theory looks at families as emotional systems. It doesn’t just focus on the problem (like a partner’s drinking). It helps people see patterns like:
Being too close emotionally (fusion)
Taking on too much responsibility (over-functioning)
Letting others do too little (under-functioning)
Repeating family patterns across generations
The main tool I help clients learn is self-differentiation — staying connected to others but still having your own feelings, choices, and identity.
Why Bowen Theory Helps in Codependency and Addiction
When someone you love struggles with addiction, families often fuse together emotionally. This can look like:
One person trying to fix everything while the other stays in crisis
Feeling like your life depends on the other person’s moods or actions
Repeating patterns you grew up with
Healing doesn’t mean leaving or ignoring your loved ones. It means learning how to stand in your own identity while staying connected.
The 8 Bowen Concepts With Real-Life Examples and Challenges
1. Differentiation of Self
Before therapy: Cancelling your plans because your partner might relapse.
After therapy: Going to a friend’s event while supporting your partner without carrying their feelings.
Why is this sometimes challenging to implement without therapy?: It can feel scary or uncomfortable to prioritize your own needs for the first time. You may worry about upsetting others, feeling over-responsible for your partner’s needs, or being seen as selfish.
2. Relationship Triangles
Before: Talking to a sibling instead of your partner about a fight; a teen pulled into arguments.
After: I talk directly to my partner; parents talk directly to each other, so that the teen isn’t expected to manage adult stress.
Challenge: Stepping out of a triangle can create tension at first. Others may resist or become upset when you stop acting as the mediator.
3. Nuclear Family Emotional System
Before: One partner handles everything while the other drinks.
After: Responsibilities are shared; both practice self-care and boundaries.
Challenge: Adjusting roles can feel uncomfortable. You may face anxiety or guilt when letting others take responsibility.
4. Family Projection Process
Before: Parents worry their child will repeat family problems.
After: Parents notice their fears but let children make their own choices and recognize your child is not the family.
Challenge: Letting go of control is hard. You may feel worried, anxious, or uncertain about what will happen when you step back.
5. Multigenerational Transmission Process
Before: Patterns of over-functioning or addiction repeat in the family.
After: Awareness allows new, healthier ways of relating.
Challenge: Changing long-standing family patterns can feel confusing or uncomfortable. You may encounter resistance from others who are used to old roles.
6. Emotional Cutoff
Before: “Blocking” a parent from calling you but obsessing over them.
After: Boundaries are verbalized and followed through with consistency (not as a punishment, but follow through about how you will care for yourself if your boundaries are crossed); emotional freedom is gained.
Challenge: Establishing boundaries can create temporary guilt, sadness, confusion, or tension with family members.
7. Sibling Position
Before: Oldest child carries family burdens into adulthood.
After: Responsibilities are shared; limits are clear; stress is reduced.
Challenge: Changing your role may create pushback from siblings or parents who are used to the old pattern.
8. Societal Emotional Process
Before: Believing you must always sacrifice to be “good.”
After: Balancing responsibilities with self-care and personal goals.
Challenge: Letting go of cultural or personal expectations can feel uncomfortable or even provoke self-doubt or negativity from family.
How Anxiety Spreads Beyond the Family
Addiction and codependency affect more than just the family:
Children: May take on adult responsibilities too early.
Friends: Can feel drained or caught in their friends’ crises.
Coworkers: Over-functioning or under-functioning to cover for colleagues can spread stress.
Extended Family: Grandparents, siblings, or cousins may take sides or try to rescue.
Community/Support Groups: Anxiety in the system can affect faith or recovery groups, recreating old roles.
As you can see, anywhere where there are groups of people, they can benefit from learning about Bowen Theory.
Healed Examples of Bowen Concepts
Saying “no” without guilt
Feeling calm even when a partner struggles
Breaking family patterns for your children
Moving from constant anxiety to grounded, steady presence
Shifting from reactive roles to authentic connection
Healing means developing self-differentiation, boundaries, and groundedness, so relationships are about connection, not fusion.
Individual, Couples, or Family Therapy
You don’t need everyone in therapy for change to start. Even one person can begin to shift the system.
Why one person helps: Their growth changes how others interact. Less fusion and more clarity spreads naturally.
Couples or family therapy: Roles are shared more fairly. Everyone learns to manage anxiety and stress. The whole system can change in a healthier way.
Research Background
Bowen first worked with families of people with schizophrenia. Families who became more differentiated helped the patient improve, even though the diagnosis remained.
This approach also works for families affected by addiction or trauma.
Bowen therapy can be an alternative or addition to AA, Al-Anon, CoDA, SMART Recovery, CRAFT, or trauma therapy. It strengthens your self while supporting relationships.
Why Work With Ayla Fleming, LLC
As a Family and Relationships Therapist, I help women reclaim their sense of self:
Focus on your growth, not just the addicted partner
Build self-differentiation without tying it to a role or identity
Navigate the whole system — family, friends, colleagues — with healthy boundaries
Take the Next Step
I can’t wait to work with you. Contact me today!
-Ayla
📍 Therapy available in PA, NJ, and NY 📅 Schedule a FREE consultation 📧 ayla@aylaflemingllc.com